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Old 03-01-2007, 09:35 AM   #1
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Default It'* funny joke Thursday!

Since the "funny joke Tuesday" seems to be enjoyed by most I thought we could do one for Thursday also. Enjoy!

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit
a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks,and then turns to the
Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then,
they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in
his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect the crumbs,
we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to
the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And about once
a year, they send us a little ***** like you.
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Old 03-01-2007, 11:16 AM   #2
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I got one
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That'* right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That'* right, and that'* the way ití* going to be until your attitude changes!"
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Old 03-01-2007, 11:39 AM   #3
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heres one.... a very in love couple were saving their special moment until after they were married. Once thier wedding day came and they were on their honeymoon the moment arose where they were about to consumate their marriage.

The husband told the wife that she should get undressed first. The wife was a bit embarassed at first since she had never been naked in front of him before, and was embarassed about how small her breasts were and thought they werent going to satisfy her new husband. The husband says I love you no matter what and your breast size doesnt matter to me. With that the wife got undressed.

Now it was the husbands turn. The husband says to the wife, since you were so honest about your breast size, I must admit, I too have something to be embarassed about. The wife looks at her husband and the husband says well to tell you the truth, im hung like a baby.

The loving wife told her husband that the size didnt matter and that she loved him no matter what.

With that the husband got undressed and at that moment the look on his wifes face was pure shock!!!!

Looking at her husband, she said, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.

The husband replied, I am, 9 pounds 4 ounces!!
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Old 03-01-2007, 12:00 PM   #4
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man'* reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
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Old 03-08-2007, 10:59 AM   #5
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Duct Tape~~~


An old man was sitting on his front porch in Saskatchewan watching the sunrise.
He sees the neighbor'* kid walk by carrying something big under his arm He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man'* surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, ! whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man say "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man'* amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It'* a ***** willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat.
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Old 03-08-2007, 11:01 AM   #6
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Old 03-08-2007, 11:02 AM   #7
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That'* a good one!!!
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Old 03-08-2007, 12:13 PM   #8
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A kindly old Gentleman is walking around in asupermarket calling
out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco! "


Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle 3."


The old Gentleman replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm
Calling my Wife. She'* in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your Wife'* name is Crisco?"

The old Gentleman answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we are out in Public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"



"Lard ***.. " :P
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Old 03-08-2007, 12:49 PM   #9
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I have a ton of lame jokes that are sure to put a smile on your face... or a grimmace.

I apologize in advance. My 5 year old nephew loves to share these with me, so I feel I'm obligated to share with you.
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Old 03-08-2007, 12:49 PM   #10
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you canít have your kayak and heat it too.
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