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Old 09-18-2005, 09:44 PM   #1
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Default Cleaning out my inbox...

and came across this email:


After affects of drinking too much Red Bull.....
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Cheeto Puffs FREAK!

Nice postcard......

Creative tattoo.........

Spiderman freak......more like this childs mommy is a FREAK!


Not a good moment.........

Cool costume....

Tow truck new guy..........

Not exactly a place to go feed the birdies.....

Let'* count...... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, .....6!

Do you think the lady with the sign was upset???

Upset child........OUCH!

GHETTO FABULOUS!!

Donald Trumps new puppy.......

Can anyone see the poor child in between???

Watch out with this bionic-granny!

Dead-beat dad............

What happens when you don't strap on properly......
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Can I borrow her I.D. until I turn 21yr?
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Old 09-18-2005, 09:51 PM   #2
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Quote:

easily the funniest things i have seen all week

thanks for the laugh
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Old 09-18-2005, 09:54 PM   #3
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and here is some more:


Little Johnny is at it again...........

A new teacher was trying to make use of her

psychology courses. She started her class by
saying,

"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The

teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little

Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing

there all by yourself!"



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother

smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you

do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself

beautiful," said his mother, who then began

removing the cream with a tissue.

"What'* the matter?" asked Little Johnny.

"Giving up?"

>
>
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*

The math teacher saw that little Johnny

wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny!

What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and
the Cartoon Network!"

>
>
>~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny'* kindergarten class was on

a field trip to their local police station where

they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board,

of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the
youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if

it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives

want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked . Why didn't you keep him when

you took his picture?"


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*

I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you
will probably relate to this father.)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick
slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive,
light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it
to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,"
she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I

have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each
hand,

I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my
tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said,
"Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . . "Poupon."
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Old 09-18-2005, 09:57 PM   #4
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keep'n em comin'

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading
his paper when his wife walked
up behind him and whacked him
on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper
in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the
races, Laura Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said.
"I should have known there was a
good explanation.

Three days later he was watching
a ballgame on TV when she walked
up and hit him in the head again, this
time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked,
"What the hell was that for?"



She replied,
"Your horse called !!"
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Old 09-18-2005, 10:24 PM   #5
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more?

Only BlONdEs will not get these:
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America.....are there
handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America.....do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America.....do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.
5. Only in America.....do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in America.....do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.
7. Only in America.....do we use
answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poll' in Latin
meaning
'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America.....do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but
darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that
stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
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Old 09-19-2005, 06:36 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rjolly87

I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you
will probably relate to this father.)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick
slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive,
light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it
to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,"
she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I

have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each
hand,

I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my
tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said,
"Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . . "Poupon."





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