Here'* some to ponder....

-How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

-OK, so what'* the speed of dark?

-I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

-Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

-Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

-Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

-When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

-I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

-I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

-Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

-The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

-The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

-The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

If you haven't guessed.....yep it'* Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon'* appointments. -- Steven Wright

What'* another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
-- Steven Wright

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Why do they call a driveway a driveway and a parkway a parkway, when we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?