How do you save a
Take your foot off his head
What’* black and brown and looks good on
a lawyer? A Doberman. What do you get
when you cross a lawyer and a demon from
hell? No changes occur. What’* the difference
between a lawyer and an accountant?
Accountants know they are boring. A client
calls the law firm and asks to speak to his
lawyer, Mr. Smith. The receptionist tells him
the sad news. “Mr. Smith died this weekend.
I am so sorry.” The client says, “Let me speak
to Mr. Smith.” The receptionist repeats the
news. “Sir, Mr. Smith died this weekend.” The
client repeats his request. “Let me speak to
Mr. Smith.” The receptionist is exasperated.
“Sir, don’t you understand? Mr. Smith died.”
The client paused. “Oh, I understand alright.
I just like hearing it.” Why did the lawyer
cross the road? To sue the chicken on the
other side. What’* the difference between a
lawyer and a pit bull? Jewelry. “All lawyers
are idiots.” declared a man in a bar. “I resent
that.” someone answered. “Why, are you a
lawyer?” the man asked. “No,” he replied,
“I’m an idiot.” What’* the difference between
a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
the road? There are skid marks in front of
the dog. Why does California have the most
lawyers and New Jersey have the most toxic
waste sites? New Jersey got to pick first.
Attorney Do you recall approximately the time that you examined
that body at the hospital?
Witness It was in the evening. The autopsy started at about 5:30 p.m.
Attorney And the person was dead at the time. Is that correct?
Witness No, you idiot! He was sitting on the table wondering why
I was performing an autopsy on him!
Defendant Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
The Court And why is that?
Defendant Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
The Court (to the PD) Do you have any comments on the defendant’* motion?
PD I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
Attorney This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Attorney And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness I forget things.
Attorney You forget things? Can you give me an example of something you’ve forgotten?
Attorney Are you married?
Witness No. I’m divorced.
Attorney And what did your husband do before you divorced him.
Witness A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Attorney And what happened then?
Witness He told me – he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Attorney Did he kill you?
Attorney Remember, all your responses must be oral. OK? Now, what school do you go to?
Attorney How old are you?
Attorney I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
Witness That’* me.
Attorney Were you present when that picture was taken?
Prosecutor Did you kill the victim?
Defendant No I did not.
Prosecutor Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant Yes I do. And they are a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
1981 AMC Eagle Kammback T4 Iron Duke 300,000 miles (project)
1983 AMC Eagle Wagon 258 Auto (needs new rear main seal)
1995 Ford F150 XLT 302, daily driver until the 83 gets fixed
CB Handle: Kenosha Cadillac
RIP Jerry Reed, we miss you already