KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere'* better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:
I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

I called your boss.....they are going to rethink your resume. LOL j/k

Those are clever.