If I was stupid rich...I mean absolutely insane screw-you rich...I would do some really dumb crap. And why not? I could buy my way out of trouble. That'* the American way.

For instance, I would give a buddy two million dollars and we would each open competing stores across the street from each other. We would have a year to put the other one out of business...profit be damned.

It would be great to see what depths we would each plunge to screw the other guy and his business. And for what? For nothing. Just because we could.

I would buy a television network and create an SNL knock-off that would air on Saturday nights at the same time as SNL. I would completely staff it with ex-SNL players...but not the famous ones. Not the really talented ones. The ones who only lasted one or two seasons during the really crapty years. I would lose millions...but it would be one interesting train wreck. I would especially love to see the look on the faces of all the reporters when I introduce the cast during the big press conference. Imagine those poor bastards having to not laugh out loud as I introduce the worst cast ever in the history of sketch comedy.

Whichever network it is that I would purchase, I would fire most of the staff. Because most television sucks.

I would definitely purchase every single copy of that Barenaked Ladies song "If I Had A Million Dollars"...because it drives me nuts. I would own every single existing copy of that song and I would destroy them all.

No matter how much it would cost, I would pay Patrick Swayze to get him to do a Road House television series. That would be, by my estimate, about seventeen kinds of awesome.

Every single weekend, I would go to various bars and get everyone'* attention. I would call out that I intend to buy a drink for everyone in the bar. Their shouts of drunken glee would quickly subside when they are served a Shirley Temple...which is what I would buy for everyone. Non-alcoholic. 'Cause screw them. I'm the millionaire, not them.

Being a lover of books, I would purchase the rights to all the books I enjoy just to make sure that Hollywood wouldn't have the chance to screw them up.

I would have my wife put into a chemically induced coma and then run around getting all kinds of rich-people sex. Which is probably really good sex. I wouldn't know. I'm not currently rich. After two years, I would have my wife woken up and she would never know what happened. Because if anyone was dumb enough to try and tell her, I would have that guy killed. I could do that. 'Cause I'd be rich.

Actually, I was just kidding about that last part. I love my wife. I would never ever do something like that.

Because right now I'm not rich.

And she might read this.

I'm with you on the Patrick Swayze part!!!

You're too late - it'* already on now! I miss the Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell days :( It'* been downhill since the early/mid 90'*.

For me it was John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Jane Curtain, Bill Murray era that I miss!!

That was when it was the best