1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it'* a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

2. Women produce half the world'* food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we're fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.

3. Women like ****, too. We just hate it when you hide the ****.

4. Women remember everything . Don't believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won't tell you it was at a party. She'll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy'* pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what'* up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")

5. An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.

6. No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.) You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany'*, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn't count.)

7. We think it'* weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.

8. "Hey, Melissa, who'* the boss?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Phoebe, where'd you park your broomstick?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress." Surprisingly good pickup line.

9. Women hear better than men. That'* before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I'm sure I've lost you by now.



10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You're welcome.

Date, Date, Date, Date, Date, Date, Date, Die

-Jeff Foxworthy

I thought so

An eyelash curler is not a weapon but a hot curling iron is especially when stuck in various parts of the male anatomy

the windshield wiper huh? well you made it skip and make loud noises., you made the circular saw dangerous, the bulletproof vest still enables someone to shoot you in many other places, the space suit?, men woulda figured it out eventually, after we were done watching tv, and oh ho ho, the signal flare huh? prove it.

good ones. and jim beat me to #3

women don't hear better hearing than men, men have selective hearing. we can turn it on and off when we want to

Isn't that the truth

Mine'* just permenantly off

Not fair! Men can't make babies...

the circular saw--yet i'm still to find a woman that can use one
the signal flare--men don't need em, we know what we're doing
the space suit--but men went to space first
the bulletproof vest--not entirely bulletproof, FIX IT!
the windshield wiper--cool, then send me a new set, mine are all squeaky and DON'T WORK HALF THE TIME

Just thought I'd let ya know.