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Old 12-08-2007, 03:35 AM   #1
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Default Tazer for Christmas (long read)

A friend sent me this. I hope it ain't a repost..........

Subject: Tazer for Christmas


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife?

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry'* Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short -lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, while allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,

RIGHT?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want someassurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So,there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4' in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries. I'm thinking to myself, 'No possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, ********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and twitchy tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'

Note:: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-B****!! That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits(what ittle I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my *********!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock.
P.*. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!

STUN GUNS AND REDNECKS DO NOT MIX.

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Old 12-08-2007, 11:06 AM   #2
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Yes it'* a repost. Funny though. Been awhile since I read it (also untrue on many levels, but clearly written for entertainment)
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Old 12-08-2007, 11:17 AM   #3
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posted a couple of years ago. Still funny as chit though
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Old 12-08-2007, 11:37 AM   #4
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Yep that was funny, lol.
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Old 12-08-2007, 12:40 PM   #5
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I can picture it happening.

Wife bought one of those electric bug smashers that look sorta like a tennis raquet once. I didn't know what it was and started messing with it.

A little iddy biddy battery can produce a big surprise!!!!
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Old 12-08-2007, 12:47 PM   #6
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Yeah, tasers aren't even that bad, I used to laugh when one of my friends would taser me... It tickles a bit.
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Old 12-08-2007, 12:49 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adeianos
Yeah, tasers aren't even that bad, I used to laugh when one of my friends would taser me... It tickles a bit.
I think you're thinking of the old handheld direct-contact stun guns. Not a tazer.

Tazers shoot two darts with small wires.
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