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Old 08-09-2007, 03:46 PM   #1
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Default Racing jokes

YOU MIGHT BE A RACER IF ...



You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.


You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.


You are happiest when your street car'* tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.


When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.


Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.


You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.


You bought a race car before buying a house.


You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.


You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!


The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Deaf neighbors.
6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home.


You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.


You have enough spare parts to build another car.


More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.


You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!"


People know you by your class, car number, and car color.


You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.


Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you.


A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."


You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.


You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.


You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.


You save broken car parts as "momentous".


You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).


The local police and state highway patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.


Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.


You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.


After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why...is there a race there?"


You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.


You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.


You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken.


You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number.


You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit.


You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it.


You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes.


Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane'* eyes out.


You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it'* your family, then you drive it like you stole it.


You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation.
YOU MIGHT RACE A BUICK IF ...

*Race prepping your car means turning off the ac.
*You have a "Big is Beautiful" license plate holder.
*You have safety harnesses instead of seat belts for five occupants.
*You only have to be careful of traffic AHEAD of you when you merge onto the Interstate
*Your race car has never been on a trailer.
*You think anything less than a 455 is a small block.
*You won't race motorcycles beacuse it isn't fair . . . to them!
*You've ever had to take a different route because of bridge weight limits.
*You plan road trips from gas station to gas station.
*Your wife'* car runs 12s.
*You painted your riding lawnmower black and turbocharged it.
*You think 5000 pound cars and stationwagons are great dragstrip material.
*The wrecker service calls you when they get their rigs stuck.
*You have heard the phrase "That'* a Buick!? from more than 5 punk kids in Daddy'* 'Vette after you shut them down.
*You have sucked so many bumpers off other cars, your car is nicknamed "The Hoover."
*18 wheelers yield to you.
*You can fit a month of groceries in your trunk and still run 12s.
*You've ever been pulled over for failing to stop at a weigh station.
*Your car has more towing capacity than a one ton duelie.
*You think every race car should have ac and power windows.
*You get signed thank you cards from the presidents of Phillips 66 and Texaco at Christmas.
*You think every four door should have a cam, headers and slicks and runs 12s.
*The phrase "231? Is that all?" and "That ain't no V6!" make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.
*You've said "No, it'* not an SS" more than 3 times this week.
*You've never seen the tail lights of a Mustang GT.
*Your friend'* 5.0 'Stang runs 13s by being towed behind your car.
*The local Mustang guys are claiming they've been abused because your car spanks them so bad.
*You've raced your daily driver against a tube frame, blown, nitroused big block powered 'Stang . . . and won.

By Jason Green, Oklahoma GSCA Chapter



YOU MIGHT HAVE TO MUCH HORSEPOWER IF ...

1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
31. Young children cling to their mommies in fear when you round the corner.
32. Birds fall out of their nests from the rumble of your 5" dual exhaust.
33. All the major Tire makers are sending you free slicks in hopes of endorsment deal.
34. The UPS guy took to taking Steroids so he could keep up with your shipments.
35. The Fed Ex guy had a nervous breakdown.
36. All the wildlife within a 800ft radius around your house got the HELLOUT.
37. The nearest Geological Seismic Surveying Station Operator knows your address by heart.
38. A booming voice greets potential passengers with, "That'* right ....you paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the EDGE.
39. The earth slows in rotation when you hook up on your new slicks and head east.
40. You have to screw your slicks to the wheels.
41. Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline.
42. Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.
43. Your compression'* high enough you could run diesel fuel.
44. The sparks from your wheelie bars start grass fires on the side of the road.
45. Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.
46. You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile."
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Old 08-09-2007, 04:28 PM   #2
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LOL... some of those are pretty good....
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Old 08-09-2007, 04:34 PM   #3
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I know some people who are guilty of #7
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Old 08-09-2007, 05:22 PM   #4
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I have some of those that are true to me, and some of those that are becoming true, and some of those that aren't true yet, but I plan to make them true.... I can't claim many unfortunately... I'll have to work on that.

I really do need a flow bench though!
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Old 08-10-2007, 11:20 AM   #5
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Bahaha, those are awesome
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Old 08-10-2007, 04:00 PM   #6
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I got them from thr muscle car club
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Old 08-10-2007, 07:33 PM   #7
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You know, In quite a few of the first set I thought of our own Mr. Boost.

Quote:
You have enough spare parts to build another car.

More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.

You are happiest when your street car'* tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.

You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.

Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.

You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.

You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.

You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).

You save broken car parts as "momentous".

You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it'* your family, then you drive it like you stole it.

I suppose the rest would apply... after he gets hitched.
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