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Old 09-20-2006, 03:06 AM   #1
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Default Need Some Help With An English Assignment **Done!!**

Ya'll, English is not forté, so I am asking for some help.

Here are the teacher’* instructions:

Write a narrative describing a meaningful or enjoyable day that you remember from the past. Be as descriptive as possible, using imagery that evokes the senses to draw the reader to your essay.

Here is my essay, first draft. All input is appreciated.



**** In the editing process, scroll down ****
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Old 09-20-2006, 03:14 AM   #2
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I ALWAYS avoid pronouns as much as possible.

Midway thru, you say "that"...twice in one sentence...no go.


yeah kill pronouns as much as possible.

perhaps join some paragraphs together.
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Old 09-20-2006, 08:24 AM   #3
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Quote:
The car was quiet, smooth and continued to growl as we left the parking lot.
It doesn't sound right? How could the car be quiet, yet still growl?

"The car had a smooth quiet ride, yet you could feel and hear a primal growl from beneath the hood as we left the parking lot".

That appears to be more descriptive and imaging!

So far so good!! Other than 1 or 2 typos.
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Old 09-20-2006, 01:21 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hans
I ALWAYS avoid pronouns as much as possible.

Midway thru, you say "that"...twice in one sentence...no go.


yeah kill pronouns as much as possible.

perhaps join some paragraphs together.
Ok I joined a few paragraphs together and did some editing, but the pronoun usage I'll look into.

Thanks for the feedback.
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Old 09-20-2006, 01:23 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike1995
Quote:
The car was quiet, smooth and continued to growl as we left the parking lot.
It doesn't sound right? How could the car be quiet, yet still growl?

"The car had a smooth quiet ride, yet you could feel and hear a primal growl from beneath the hood as we left the parking lot".

That appears to be more descriptive and imaging!

So far so good!! Other than 1 or 2 typos.
Mike, I like that setence. It fully describes the glory of the Bonneville
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Old 09-20-2006, 01:24 PM   #6
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me know english very weel i will halp you oot


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Old 09-20-2006, 01:49 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit
me know english very weel i will halp you oot


Bandit, it sounds as if you spent half your life in the deep south and the other half where where it snows all year round
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Old 09-20-2006, 02:00 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheetah
Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit
me know english very weel i will halp you oot


Bandit, it sounds as if you spent half your life in the deep south and the other half where where it snows all year round
Noo hee didunt,us suthernors kan speell
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Old 09-20-2006, 07:09 PM   #9
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Use of pronouns is OK, if your story is told from the first person. Still, use them as sparingly as possible without inhibiting the flow of the story. Be sure to proof-read your essays, don't just spell check. Typos like "form" instead of "from" won't be caught by the spell checker. Use the proper form of words too, like "through" instead of shorthand "thru". Good story, add some "color" to it. I took some liberty and had a little fun with one of your paragraphs:

“Put it to the floor, I want you to know what you’re driving” the snowy-haired old Chief commanded at a volume normally reserved for movie theaters. Not wanting to disobey a direct order, I stabbed the accelerator, pinning it mercilessly to the floor. The supercharger responded like a highly disciplined soldier, the boost gauge stood at attention, and the Bonneville breathed new life. My heart entered a death race with the engine as the car rocketed from 40 MPH to 90 MPH within seconds. The grip I had on the steering wheel tightened involuntarily as some subliminal fear told me the car would leave me behind if I did not cling on for dear life. At that very moment I knew with undeniable surety I was buying this car, no questions asked. After this autobahn experience, we worked our way back to the lot and I reverently parked the car back in the same place from which the adventure originated.

Says pretty much the same thing as your original, just added a bunch of flowery descriptors - English perfessers eat that crap up. You have a great start, now just go through paragraph by paragraph and apply a little "Louis L'Amour" to it...
OK:
"The sun went down."
Better:
"The sun went down behind the mountains, turning the sky yellow."
Even Better:
"The sun slowly drained into the mountains, leaving a golden sky lingering in its wake."

You can feel the difference. Sometimes it'* not what you say, but how you say it. Dang. You'll be the teacher'* pet!
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Old 09-21-2006, 01:40 AM   #10
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Motorhead- that'* outstanding! I'll give a standing ovation. I am in the process right now or going back over it.

And I have someone here to help too...

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