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Old 02-11-2006, 10:35 PM   #11
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Frankly, we aren't likely to be able to "fix" in a few moments what has taken 18 or so years to develop. One thing that I've noticed with some people over the years is that they will talk about the problem with everyone but the person with whom they have the problem. Have you sat down with your dad and talked to him like you have to us? Does he know how you feel about his reactions? When he told you to go hit some balls (good advice by the way to get started) did you ask him if he would help you, or show you how? When things get cool between people, often each takes the "safe road" and keeps their shields up so they won't get hurt. You may have to be the one to lower yours (and more than just trying it once) in order to open up some communications. How much are you willing to pay emotionally? The cost could be high, but the payback could be even higher if it works.
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Old 02-11-2006, 10:58 PM   #12
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Try two things:

1. Next time he says something, tell him you don't have time, or you don't have money. Let it sink in slowly.

2. Ignore it and go on with life. There will be a time in his life that he realizes his mistakes and wants to build a relationship with you.

Any other idea is a waste of time and your life.
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Old 02-11-2006, 11:36 PM   #13
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You are a young man, now. You are on the brink of fullfledged manhood where you will be be making your own decisions. You'll like it alot. And i think you probably have a head start, because you are deaf. You have already forged some steel inside of you because you have had to improvise, adapt, and overcome challenges that other guys your age haven't had to face yet.

I woudn't venture to tell you what to do. You are going to decide what really boosts your buttons, what is right for you, and which babes make your underwear tight. But i can tell you 2 things that are probably true, 1 that is definitely true, and 1 thing not to do.

- You don't really know why your father is distant from you. Right? You can't know. Because he hasn't told you. And that is profoundly frustrating.
- He is experiencing some form of distress.

- It is not your fault. It is not because of you. You have done the very best you could, to be a good son. That'* what sons do until their old man frustrates them so badly, they dump him.

- Don't burn the bridge. It takes huge mellons. Tell him you don't understand the distance. That you would take a bullet for him because he'* your Dad. But you have to get on with your life and this is makin' you stumble. And the door is, and always will be, open for him.

Then you will know, and always know, that you did everything a man could do.
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Old 02-12-2006, 12:34 AM   #14
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I never cared much for my parents, I certainly don't tell them of my plans, but I guess it is easier when not living with the folks.
My dad was usually a snide *** about everything anyways.
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Old 02-12-2006, 12:40 AM   #15
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Wow, those are absolutely brilliant advices, it seems that I'm not the only one with this problem. I'm the youngest of the two, so it can't be the moving in adulthood. I honestly don't think it'* because of the fact I'm deaf, I meant, they had 18 years to deal and adapt to the fact I'm deaf.

I would move out but I don't need to because as CC said, I'm going to be gone in 6 or 7 months anyway.

I've addressed him before on this, and I've yelled at him and questioned him. Again, he claims he didn't know that he was doing that. I really don't believe that. My brother, the oldest, had (IMO) a better relationship with him because I would see him and my bro working together on my bro'* Camaro and I told myself, "wow that'* going to be me and my dad in a few years" Well guess what, nope. He doesn't give a damn.

I'm going to address him on this again. It has been going for all my life, his emotionless face, uninterested. My mom has complained of this too to me.

On the driving subject, I'm going to take Gonneville'* advice. When I drive, my mom won't stick up for me because I don't pay attention to my dad in the backseat, I'm just keeping my eyes on the road. My mom endures all of my dad'* bashings about my driving, I can tell when he is doing that, It makes my mom stress out. I told her, "Well, tell him to SHUT UP" I've done that, he said "DO NOT TELL ME TO SHUT UP" I could have counterattacked but I knew it would blow up in a full out war so I didn't say anything afterwards.

I don't hate him, I'm just disappointed that the relationship is almost nonexistent. My mom who know absolutely nothing about cars, shows 100x more interest in what I do with my car. Guess who went rim-shopping with me? My mom, guess who got me a PONTIAC banner for my car? My mom, accessories for my car? My mom. Dad? just the replacement tires that'* it (the tires needed to be replaced so that doesn't count as interest)

Thanks guys, I feel better now, I feel better knowing that I"m not the only one with this situation and having the frustation.

Grasshopper
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Old 02-12-2006, 12:47 AM   #16
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Grasshopper/Fuel, the good news is you do have a good relationship with one of your parents. For the time being, if I were you, I would focus on that. Glad to hear that your mom takes interest in what you do.
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Old 02-12-2006, 01:11 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by willwren
Any other idea is a waste of time and your life.
I don't agree with you on that one part. This is the only dad he will ever have. It doesn't matter if the man is a total Richard Cranium (********) it is still his dad. Things aren't always smooth between parent and child for various reasons. Fuel- your dad may have a lot on his mind and not even realize how he is treating you. He may have some issue with you that he would rather try to deal with on his own as opposed to letting you know. I think you should sit down with him (when he is in a decent mood) and have a man to man talk with him. Confront him on the situation. Then at least you will know where you stand and he will know how you feel. Once you have done that you can decide on the next steps you need to make. Either rectify the situation or then bide your time till you move out to go to school and start your new life. Either way though he is still your father. My son didn't have the greatest relationship with his own dad and that use to make me crazy. No matter what my ex did to Jeff it didn't stop Jeff from loving his dad and trying to make things work. That is why we moved from Chicago to Mississippi and Jeff was able to build a good relationship with his dad in the last years before his dad died 7 years ago 02/12/1999.
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Old 02-12-2006, 01:56 AM   #18
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Ahh...young grasshopper...do not despair. You are not alone, as you have already seen. I can relate to you, not from my relationship with my dad, but rather my ex-husband.

What I learned from 15 years of marriage with an EH person (emotionally handicapped) is that his "disappointment" that I thought was with me, was really a disappointment with himself. This type of person will never show satisfaction in someone else until they are happy with themselves. You can try all you want to gain his approval and interest...but it would be like trying to bust through a brick wall using your forehead...in both cases, you are the one who will get hurt trying.

So instead, you continue to tell him of the things that interest you...let him know that you love him....but don't expect a change in reply from him. If you alienate yourself from him, you will likely regret it in years to come. But just like you cannot change your hearing, you cannot change his emotionless responses.
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Old 02-12-2006, 02:11 AM   #19
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fuel- the ladies of BC have spoken. You still have to hear from PMom too.
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Old 02-12-2006, 11:09 AM   #20
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I see what you guys are trying to say, Just carry on as nothing was wrong and just don't keep trying and trying to get a emotion of some kind.
Just tell him my ideas and my interests and if he doesn't show a emotion, I should just ignore it and keep telling him.

I don't want to severe and alienate myself from my pop, because as SSEi4U24ME said, he is my first and only dad. Some days he does show emotion but it'* not as often as I would like. Sometimes once a month he'll take an interest in what I'm doing and I try to seize that moment and make it last longer, but it never last past a day.

I've noticed the males say just to sever the relationship and move on but the women say try to fix it and if it doesn't work out, that'* his problem.

I'm going to try to fix it before i leave for college, if it doesn't, then I'm not going to despair and just move on with my happy life with other deaf and (hopefully a sizzling hot deaf well-endowed woman ) be happy with what I've got.

Thanks guys for your thoughtful inputs, it has helped me a lot.
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