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Old 02-11-2006, 04:51 PM   #1
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Default My crappy relationship with my pops

This is just a vent, I'm also hoping for advice too.

Okay, as you all know, I'm 18 and deaf. I have hearing parents, nothing bad. Okay, lately actually for as long as I remember, the relationship between father and son is barely visible. My dad shows no emotion or interest in what I want to do or plan on doing. He has two responses to every thing, "I don't have time" OR "I have no money" I immediately think, dammit, I don't need you to pay, I'm capable of paying, and yes you do have time, you JUST don't want to take the time.

Sometimes, when I come up with a idea for Big Bertha, I tell my dad because you alway tell a guy first right? I recently came up with one, which was painting the corner lights very lightly body color, I tell him, guess what he said


"That'* nice" in a flat-uninterested emotion. He loves golf, so last year, I seriously considered joining my school'* golf team, his emotion? "that'* nice, go hit some balls" as he didn't care. That'* all he said, so I dropped that idea.

Driving? That'* a other story. When I started driving, he complained loudly about the way I drive, I told my mom what was up with that? Her response? "He just want you to be safe" I believed that, well I lost belief, when I was driving, I was in my old car with no locking mechanism for my seat, okay? I was approaching a hill and he was in the backseat, he SHOVED my seat forward and almost caused me to crash, his reason? I was going too fast. Well the car didn't rise or anything when I crossed it.

It has become very strained now, almost to the point where I just don't consider him my dad, just a man that got my mom pregnant.

Advices?
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Old 02-11-2006, 04:55 PM   #2
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Default Re: My crappy relationship with my pops

Sorry to hear that your relationship is strained.

My only thought is that someday you will probably be a parent too, and you will have the ability to have a great relationship with your kids.

"pay it forward" as they say.
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Old 02-11-2006, 05:00 PM   #3
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I agree 95bv, but umm like I always say try to mend a fence before you build one up. I am sorry to hear that, some people just show love in different ways. I would make every attemp to try to make it right by him, even if you think he doesn't deserve a chance. Trust me I have had my fair share of family problems, if you can work hard to fix one do it before it gets worse. Best luck sir, I will be hoping all goes well.
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Old 02-11-2006, 06:09 PM   #4
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I dont usualy reply to such things because of the counter culture life I led for so long makes me no expert, but the post really struck a nerve as it sounded so identical to my own situation (father was an almost emotionless, overbearing career sargeant.) the years made things easier with him but only with my making it so. Try to see what you can do to tear the fence done between the two of you patiently and if it doesnt help for now move on for awhile . man youre young , tell yourself you tried, cause the years keep going by like a upward power curve and before ya know it youll be silvered hair like me with regrets for things ya never did in life >here have another beer and hope thats helps.
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Old 02-11-2006, 06:34 PM   #5
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Default Re: My crappy relationship with my pops

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuelforthesoul1999
Advices?
There'* not a whole lot you can do to make him come around, if he'* not interested then you have to move forward and do things that make you happy and stop trying to make him or others happy. Learn from this experience and when you have kids of your own you will be better off for it by being involved and interested in their lives.

If he wants to push everyone away and not be involved then at the end of his life he should have no complaints when there is no one at his funeral. For what it'* worth you seem like a good kid and while parents are or should be a big influence in your life other people can be as well, Teachers, Coachs, Club Memebers etc.

Keep your chin up and don't lose faith.
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Old 02-11-2006, 06:44 PM   #6
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Move out...

I know it sounds rash and uneducated, but honestly moving out was the best thing that ever happened to mine and my father'* relationship. Prior to me moving out, we fought ALL the time, and he never seemed interested in anything I did either. But now, we have great talks, and our relationship has really matured from an adult/kid relationship to a relationship between 2 adults. I realise that sounds cold, but there is certainly a strong father/son dynamic involved.

Has this been going on for a while? It is possible he'* just in a slump, or stressed out. My dad is an accountant, so I see/hear very little of him over April (tax season) and when I do things seem strained just because he is stressed, but come May things are back to normal. So maybe your dad is just stressed. Are you the oldest? 'Cause my parents handled me becoming an "adult" quite poorly, and stressed a lot about some of the decisions I made, but they've been way better w/ my bro and sis.
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Old 02-11-2006, 07:13 PM   #7
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me and my dad usually get along well, we can talk about cars, my car, performance and different ideas, We golf now and then in the summer time, he buys the round, i buy the beer type thing.
We have a fair ammount in common, i get my sick sense of humor from him.
Take alook at things you both have in common, and work on that.
Ryan does have a good point however, sometimes two people of the same cant live together, as bad as that might sound.
It doesnt sound like he hates you at all however, he has something else going on in his mind right now maybe?
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Old 02-11-2006, 07:34 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan
Move out...
Honestly, I agree with this.
I guess that being deaf, and the different needs and difficulties that go with it, make moving out a bigger decision than it is for a hearing person, but it may be the thing to do.

My relationship with my father was also very strained through my teen years, and I think that it is just the way that the father-son relationship operates. The other problem I still have with my Dad is that we have absolutely no interests in common, so he doesn't want to hear about my car, or anything off the net. When I moved out, the relationship did improve alot, although it is still a little rocky on occasion.

My Dad did get on me about driving alot though, I think that one is pretty much universal. My solution for that particular problem was that I refused to drive with my father in the car. If we were both going somewhere, we took his truck and he drove. If he insisted on me driving with him in the car, I didn't go, period. After a few blow-ups, and a couple missed events, he gave in and stopped arguing about it. It'* still my policy, and he doesn't push it anymore.
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Old 02-11-2006, 07:48 PM   #9
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One other thing I thought of...

Having a deaf son could be causing more stress for him, now I'm not saying that you're stressing him out, maybe just some of the challenges of having a deaf son. I imagine there are certain challenges to address when dealing with someone that is deaf. And although I'm sure your whole family has adapted, perhaps he is stressed b/c he sees himself as maybe not making these adaptations as easy as he could.

One thing to remember is that people deal with stress in many different ways and react to it in many different ways. "Brooding" could just be his way of dealing with it.
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Old 02-11-2006, 09:29 PM   #10
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My advice would be to not move out right now. You are going to be in college in 6 months away from home. I don't have a great relationship with my dad either, I actually dont like him and haven't talked since x-mas. Not even a word on my birthday and I was there.

I would suggest sticking it out, once school is out, how often are you home anyways?
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