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Old 03-28-2007, 10:45 AM   #21
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MAKING A BABY...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that'* good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that'* what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that'* a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It'* true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It'* much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.
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Old 04-03-2007, 11:19 AM   #22
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A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

The wife thought for a few moments, and then said, "Your pecker is bigger
than your brother'*".
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Old 04-17-2007, 11:12 AM   #23
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The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Rugged Mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear'* chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear'* grasp then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He'* in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about Grizzly bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get us another one?"
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Old 04-17-2007, 11:13 AM   #24
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LOST GRANDPA

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING : Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall !

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop said, "Calm down now, we will find him....What'* he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big t*ts."
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Old 04-17-2007, 11:31 AM   #25
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hahahahaahahah, ohh jees, these are funny. I think MOS is out of a job.
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Old 04-17-2007, 11:39 AM   #26
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Oh, I see. He posts one or two jokes a week, and now I'm out of a job....

YOU CAN'T FIRE ME!! I QUIT!!!


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Old 04-17-2007, 12:04 PM   #27
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hahah, well you sure came out of the woodwork
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Old 04-17-2007, 02:26 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by popatim
Beware Restroom Conversations:
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just taking care of business...!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There'* an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
I don't have any jokes, but one time I was at the airport, and if I'm there, there'* a real good chance I'm probably drunk. Anway I was this time, so I'm standing at the urinal, and some guy is in a stall. His phone rings, he answers it by saying 'Hello, this is Tim", and starts answering tech questions about computer problems.

So on my way out, I yelled out - Hey, don't you know Tim is taking a dump, can't you give the poor guy 5 minutes of peace?

That was the end of that tech call.
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Old 04-17-2007, 02:29 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MOS95B
Oh, I see. He posts one or two jokes a week, and now I'm out of a job....

YOU CAN'T FIRE ME!! I QUIT!!!


Sorry MOS95B, I didn't realise I was taking your job, I'll stop posting jokes, don't quite I don't mind cause it doesn't pay all the well anyway.
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Old 04-17-2007, 02:47 PM   #30
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HAHAHAHAHAH JP!!!!! thats some funny ****. roflmfao i so wanna do that next time i'm at an airport or some other large public bathroom, thats funny.
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