Very well put, jwak.

I cannot believe I am about to say this but..... I have to agree with jwakamud There'* a first for ya.

I'm a strong believer that honesty is by far the best thing you can share between you and your wife. If you quit smoking now, sure the 'guilty act' wont' be occuring anymore, but she will still find out in the future one way or another. It'* best to be upfront and tell her that you've been doing it. It'* better she hear it from her than someone else. As for the adult website viewing, it'* not necessarily true that you're being unfaithful, but it would be best to direct that energy towards your wife than lusting after other woman, IMO. The best advice I can give anyone in a relationship is complete and total honesty. Be honest about your feelings on things, even though it'* hard to admit to some things, and don't lie to her. It wont' help anything.

I guess the best way to bring it up would be to admit to her that you haven't been completely honest with her about smoking. But, tell her that you want to quit for her because you felt guilty for lying to her about it. Tell her you want to change. I don't know if I'd tell her about the adult website though. That might hurt her more than anything because she'* going to wonde rwhy she'* not adequate for you.

Thanks for the words of advice, everyone. If you took time to post here, I appreciate it.

I feel I need to clarify one thing about my post from last night. Though smoking and **** are both habits that people can debate about all day long, it'* the lying and selfishness that are the real problems here. I don't smoke every day and I don't look at **** every day, but the times I choose to do them I'll lie to her all day long and swear I'm not guilty.

I've been in a pretty bad rut with both habits lately ("bad" is subjective and depends on your point of view, I know). She confronted me about everything in a big way last night, which is what made me start examining my pattern of behavior. I know people have done worse things, and this is small beans compared to cheating on her or doing hardcore drugs or something like that. Still, I think I've seen enough of my own deviant behavior to question whether I would go down those paths if left to my own devices.

Sorry to ramble... I'm just thinking out loud here. I scare myself with how dishonest I am, and now Holly has seen how I'm willing to look her in the eye and lie. I want to be truthful with her about my actions, and while I'm going to kick the smoking and adult websites, if I happen to slip I'll need to be honest about my struggles. The way I see it, it'* human to struggle with things like this. The difference is being open, honest, and transparent, rather than living a secret life nobody else can see.

And yes, I have voiced all this to her in the last 10 hours. For some reason I felt I needed to get it all off my chest, and at 12a.m. the Lounge was as good a place as any.

you got pm...

Yeah, I used to be in the same rut as you. In fact, the very same one. Really, the only reason I smoked was because I knew it was forbidden fruit. Same thing with ****. You're really taking the right steps talking to your wife about this, in fact, the **** thing can actually spice up your relationship. It did with mine (uh oh, tmi?) Anyways, good luck, bud, and I hope you know that yeah, everyone goes through something like this one time or another. The only thing that works is communication.

Ben, smoking is bad and **** is fine. Does **** distract from your bedroom activities with your wife? (answer in your head, not on here) If you answered yes, you might want to back off on the **** but if you answered no, then you're fine, maybe involve your wifey.

Again, this is coming from a guy with no relationship experience but I've seen everything

Ben. If you feel you need to be forgiven by me, then you are forgiven with absolutley NO reservations. But honestly, anytime we have hung out together, there was a real reason for us getting together and the cigs just happened (for both of us).

I understand your feelings and am glad that you are taking actions to improve yourself. But, again, you are being a little harsh on yourself.

Whether you believe it or not, you are a wonderful person, Ben. Your desire to improve yourself and your feelings of guilt show that you are concerned for others and not just yourself. The way I see it, you have temptations and sometimes give in to them...in other words, you're HUMAN. Get used to it. That doesn't mean you need to be satisfied with the way things are, though, and only you can make those choices and changes.

It is time to admit to your wife (as you have done) and to yourself that challenges are part of the human experience. Being honest with yourself and your wife about your feelings is a fresh start and should only strengthen your relationship. Sharing each others trials and tribulations is part of being (and working through things) together.

From everything I know, your wife seems like a wonderful person, and you need to continue to honest with her and share your experiences with her. If you don't, it'll be butt kicking time

more kudos for not just accepting the symptoms (smoking and ****) as wrong and realizing there are deeper things here - lying and selfishness. im left wondering if you will go deeper, and hoping you do.

ive never met you, really. all i know is stuff thats been said on the forum. but this thread has given me an immense respect for you. for me, respect is earned, and youve earned it here.

be strong.

I dont think that smoking is really that bad... Your wife if she loves you shouldn't hold an addiction over you like that.... If it were Marijuana or Cocaine i could understand...Or are there under lying Health conditions ie Cancer heart problems??

Surfing **** hmmmm thats a touch situation are your highly religious people ?? If not thats whats wrong with a little bit of ****.. Introduce her to some soft **** you know and as long as our not blowing your pay at the peeler bars and such or have always been faithful to your spouse She shouldnt have anything to worry about right??

Maybe marriage counseling would help both of you to get over your worries.. And your inabilities of discussion and help your wife and yourself in your dilemma..


Best of luck man