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Old 02-28-2007, 02:45 AM   #1
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Default I am a selfish liar.

I am a selfish liar.

There. I said it.

For the last few years I have been in a constant cycle of lying to my wife about smoking and viewing certain inappropriate adult web sites. I know that may be a little bit more information than many of you wanted to know. I'm not trying to shock or offend anyone, but I guess I feel like I need to admit to what I've done wrong so others may avoid the same behavior.

I constantly look for ways to better myself, as opposed to thinking of her first. I'm always looking for a way to get cigarettes, or allowing myself to surf to websites that keep my mind from being completely faithful to my marriage vows. Then I subsequently look for ways to cover up my actions: I shower when I get home from the airport after having half a pack, then make sure not to kiss her so she doesn't smell my breath. Or I make sure to clear the browser history after I've been to a website I shouldn't have. I don't know why I have such a hard time putting my wife before myself, but I do it every day. I have never acted like the kind, caring, loving husband that I promised to be on our wedding day. I am the stereotypical male pig.

I'm deciding to give all I have to being a better person (that sounds like a corny New Year'* resolution, doesn't it?). What I mean is that I'm going to quit smoking, and I'm going to resist every urge to fill my mind with women other than my wife. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I know my marriage is at stake. If I can't grow up and put my wife'* needs before my own, I don't think I deserve to be married.

Bob Antila - If you read this, I'm sorry for using our time hanging out together to go behind my wife'* back and suck down some cigarettes. I used you as an outlet for my selfish behavior, and for that I owe you an apology. You're a great friend, and I hope you can forgive me.

I'm sorry if this post is a little too personal. Please delete it if need be. I want you folks to know the kind of person I am, and to be honest with yourselves and your families about the way you're living life. I hope I don't lose my marriage because of my dishonesty and mental infidelity (which is what I consider it). All I know is I need to change. Somehow, I need to change.
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Old 02-28-2007, 03:01 AM   #2
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nicorette gum, cold turkey, I've done both but with the stress level of my work and the culture of my work it seems I start smoking again. I hear ya ben. its possible to quit if you really want to. I quit for a good 5 months the last time I was in a relationship.....broke up started smoking a 1/2 pack a day again.

as far as the **** usage. I dont know what to tell you there....
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Old 02-28-2007, 03:10 AM   #3
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One of the first steps is admiting that you have done wrong. Once you have accepted that you have to force yourself never have the same habits you once had. It'll be tough as hell, but by god, if there'* a will, there'* a way. If you love your wife and belive that you can correct what has gone wrong, there'* hope.

Look at yourself a year from now and evaluate where you want to be. Make the effort today to influence your decisions in the future.

Good luck buddy In one way or another, we've all been faced with the same thing.
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Old 02-28-2007, 05:23 AM   #4
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Well...when it comes to the ladies....I've always gone w/the motto...."look but don't touch"...but when it comes to the ciggy thing I can't say much....smoker here....kinda tryin to quit here too!! Good luck!!
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Old 02-28-2007, 08:56 AM   #5
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Kinda going with driverjohn said, admitting you want to change it is step one. But, have you admitted it to her yet? A semi-anonymous admission here is a fantastic start, but you may need to consider making it more personal (as scarey as that sounds even to me)

And for thee cigs, quitting is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.... Seriously, though... Good luck. I've done patches, cold turkey, even hypnosis. I'm stuck with them. Even though she makes me smoke outside in the cold, The Missus is pretty understanding about how addictive they really are...
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Old 02-28-2007, 09:54 AM   #6
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IMO I dont think your doing anything wrong. Your an adult and if you decide to want to slowly kill yourself, then thats on you. If your wife is a truly devoted wife, she would work through this habbit with you and help you kick it to the curb.

As far as the **** surfing? I think that your not alone. Almost 99.9% of men do this. If anything it can help make a marriage interesting and can introduce new and exciting things into the bedroom.

Ive never heard of **** surfing leading to cheating. Fantasizing maybe, but not cheating.

Now if you lived in Van Nuys Calipornia, then that might be a different story.

Clear the air, douse the smoke and do the best that you can.
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Old 02-28-2007, 10:00 AM   #7
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Well, first of all congrtas on teh admission. I agree with everyon, that is an important first step.
I would be happy to give you some Biblical insightinto our situation, but I choose to not use the Club as a pulpit: there'* a right time and place. But if you are ever interested, please feel free to PM me.
Again, I think it is great that you feel the want to better yourself. Your wife and your marriage will thank you for it.
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Old 02-28-2007, 10:05 AM   #8
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Everyone has their cross to bear.

Does'nt seem like a big deal to me but its your Cross.
Its not where you get your appetite its where you eat your meals that count.
Maybe try not browsing the menu while at home though?

And as far as the smokes go, I blame the Indians, if not for the peace pipe and a smooth flavourfull tobacco I would be addiction free. But then hanging out is a shop scratching yourself all day without a smoke would seem silly :P
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Old 02-28-2007, 10:17 AM   #9
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While it is a good thing you have admitted them to yourself and the club, have you admitted these things to your wife?

While it may seem illogical, it may help if you have personal at home support.

IMO, cold turkey is the way to go for smoking, while I never have and never will, all of my grandparents used to smoke. They all stopped cold turkey and none of them regret it. Get rid of everything related to it (lighters, ashtray, w.e else makes you think of it)

As for browsing women, all my relationshits have been you can look but cant touch. Maybe its and oppertunity to sprice your own "romance" life up to take the place of online browsing. Or if you wife is up for it, watch it together and then act it out

Different strokes for different folks I guess.
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Old 02-28-2007, 10:19 AM   #10
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im with you 100% ben. regardless of what some of the men on here say, i agree with you that its mental infidelity and should be stamped out ASAP, at the risk of your marriage.

major kudos for analyzing yourself and making changes to improve who you are. if more people did that, the world would be a better place.

as for your concerns that it may be inappropriate for the forum, if you cant level with us, who can you level with? its a good start.

kick the habits and then evaluate whether you want to level with the wife. but keep in mind while going through the toughest time, its not her fault - its yours. if you find yourself taking it out on her, you owe it to her to level with her.
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