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Old 01-20-2005, 10:02 AM   #1
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Default Helpful Haynes Shop Manual Translations

Haynes: Rotate counter-clockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer counter-clockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry off
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a can of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that'* the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the socket part (and maybe = a piece of glass or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly
with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it'* about to be. We warned.

Haynes: One Difficulty rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to f*** it
up?

Haynes: Two Difficulty rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three Difficulty rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four Difficulty rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five Difficulty rating. =
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some vice-grips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, just as I thought, it'* going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that'* it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a pin punch...
Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: AAA Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
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Old 01-20-2005, 10:08 AM   #2
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Old 01-20-2005, 10:19 AM   #3
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Quote:
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
Boy, isn't that the truth!
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Old 01-20-2005, 10:26 AM   #4
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Default Re: Helpful Haynes Shop Manual Translations

Quote:
Originally Posted by SSsuperchargedEi
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.


This one is getting shared with the couple of other gearheads I work with...
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Old 01-20-2005, 10:45 AM   #5
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Old 01-20-2005, 10:56 AM   #6
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Quote:
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the H*** did that go?"
every frickin time
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Old 01-20-2005, 10:59 AM   #7
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Quote:
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the H*** did that go?"
Isn't that the truth?!?!

Very funny...
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Old 01-20-2005, 11:00 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gumball
Quote:
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the H*** did that go?"
every frickin time
And it doesn't have to be that small. it'* either black, just like the driveway asphalt, or it makes it all the way to the grass.....

damn cars...
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Old 01-20-2005, 11:10 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MOS95B
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gumball
Quote:
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the H*** did that go?"
every frickin time
And it doesn't have to be that small. it'* either black, just like the driveway asphalt, or it makes it all the way to the grass.....

damn cars...
i love this one!
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Old 01-20-2005, 11:50 AM   #10
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Heh so the truth.... they have so many ways of saying that its gonna be hard to turn that sob. and in almost every section they say installation is the opposite of reverse... it has got the be the most annoying thing ever
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