George Carlin'* New Rules for 2007

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There'* a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.


Don't eat anything that'* served to you out a window unless you're a seagull


Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here'* how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

There'* no such thing as flavored water. There'* a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That'* your flavored water.

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It'* right above the crack of your . And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It'* one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.*. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What'* next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It'* called "The Howard Stern Show."

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what'* playing on the other screens. Let'* remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it'* for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it'* the white people version of looting.

and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he'* supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. It'*. "27 Months." "He'* two," will do just fine. He'* not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God'* sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?

Wow. This is a popular one....

Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 - http://www.bonnevilleclub.com/forum/...ic.php?t=46524

Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 - http://www.bonnevilleclub.com/forum/...ic.php?t=47483

Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 - http://www.bonnevilleclub.com/forum/...ic.php?t=65157

Ok I quit lol

God does answer prayers

They are still funny!

somebody send him a joke that has not been posted

but see them are all new rules for 06... this one is new rules for 07.... its sorta like the next part of the series... like in scream 1, 2, 3, 4 they all they same just have a diff name..




oh im done... but it had some good ones for sure...