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Old 07-30-2009, 06:34 PM   #1
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Default Aircraft Maintenance

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an *) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
*: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
*: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
*: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
*: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
*: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
*: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
*: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
*: That'* what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode..
*: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
*: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing..
*: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!)
*: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
*: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
*: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last...
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
*: Took hammer away from midget.
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Old 07-30-2009, 07:00 PM   #2
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LMAO those are awesome
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Old 07-30-2009, 09:41 PM   #3
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I love those so much you need a sense of humor to deal with drivers and or pilots. Worked at fed es ground for a bit some of them are ridiculous.

D: Can not see dash board at night unless lights are on

D:Breaks don't stop truck as quick with a full trailer

D: Truck looses speed going up hill
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Old 07-31-2009, 12:05 AM   #4
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My eyes are watering and my side hurts from LMAO!
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:54 AM   #5
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Those are old in the aviation circle, and from a variety of sources (for example, civilian aircraft don't have IFF transponders). They're still gold though. Make me laugh every time.

The funny thing is that stuff like that does happen. My borther-in-law is an AVN tech in the RCAF, and some of the things that appear on gripe sheets.. oh man. It makes you laugh and cry at the same time.

Those are right up there with these:
http://www.businessballs.com/airtraf...unnyquotes.htm

Take with a grain of salt, but an awesome laugh nonetheless.

Some of my favorites:

"Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

"A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

"Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

and for the win...

Allegedly, while taxiing at London'* Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it'* difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Last edited by thekalman; 07-31-2009 at 10:04 AM.
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Old 07-31-2009, 11:18 AM   #6
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That'* a good laugh to start the day!
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