There are 5 buttons alongside my shifter on the center console.
Perform Shift
Normal Shift
Traction Control
Perform Ride
Touring Ride

First three work as advertised, but Ride buttons are both lit, and it doesn't feel like anything happens when I press one or the other.

Edit:

H-h-h-half-f-f-f f-f-frozen, j-j-just t-t-took p-p-picture in 34* weather on windy night.
As you can see, both ride buttons are lit, any ideas?

You have a problem with your suspension.

http://www.bonnevilleclub.com/techinfo/?article=17

Thanks, resident wiseacre, any ideas how to fix it?

If I remember correctly, it could be a fuse, or you need new struts that are damn near impossible to find.

You can get codes for the CCR, right?

CCR? WTF? sorry, not a gearhead se habla plain old english

Sorry FuddyDuddy for some reason my computer didn't show that link you had there
Didn't mean to insult, thought you were teasing

CCR = Computer Command Ride

Is it correct that this could be a fuse? And if so, is it one of the easy ones to check? (do not mean to hijack thread).

You need to use the techinfo article to retrieve the CCR codes and tell us which codes you get.