My son'* 94 has been constantly chiming and flashing the "Check Gauges" for months. All of the gauges read perfectly fine. Can anyone describe what triggers this insane function?

are any other lights lighting up such as the low coolant, door ajar or headlights or taillights out?

no, none. Everything is displaying perfect, car runs perfect, no "check engine" lamp either.

moving to 1992-1999 forum, will get more mechanical exposure there.

I just dealt with this on a 97 SSE. Check the codes, there will probably be one related to "Engine Hot Warning Circuit" or something along those lines. The PCM sends a signal to the instrument cluster if it senses the engine overheating, and that will trigger the "Check Gauges" light to come on. I can get the wiring diagram for it from work tomorrow to confirm this, but I believe there are seperate trigger wires from the PCM to the cluster for overheating, low oil pressure, and abnormal engine temperature.

I followed the entire flowchart in AllData to determine the failure, and it came down to "Intermittent Failure" as the diagnosis. In my case, the customer declined any repairs. I believe the cause was the instrument cluster, mainly due to the common problems these clusters seem to be plagued with.