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Old 01-12-2006, 09:59 PM   #1
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Default True Tool Definitions

True Tool Definitions:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint swirls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument used to illuminate grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic'* own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it'* main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'* KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
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Old 01-12-2006, 10:05 PM   #2
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OMFG ROFLMAO

Dude.. I almost pissed myself reading this!!!!
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Old 01-12-2006, 10:25 PM   #3
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nice
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Old 01-12-2006, 10:52 PM   #4
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R E P O * T
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Old 01-12-2006, 11:35 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dbeast420
R E P O * T
Why people said"repost" ... ?

why not let people who never saw this read it and enjoy it, just go read another post.
No offence, but i dont care if you already see this.

Sorry i just hate when people said that

its just unuseful... it make the original poster look stupid.

cheer

PS: no offence again. just my opinion.
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Old 01-12-2006, 11:35 PM   #6
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That is too hilarious!
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Old 01-13-2006, 07:26 AM   #7
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It is always a pleasure to learn something new, and I have learned from this that I am not the only one who knows such pleasures of proper tool use.

...cut 1/2 inch too short...
...hammer...

most true.

Trouble light is now called Trouble Dark.
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Old 01-13-2006, 07:45 AM   #8
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everything here is so true lol
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Old 01-13-2006, 08:53 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by impatient99
It is always a pleasure to learn something new, and I have learned from this that I am not the only one who knows such pleasures of proper tool use.

...cut 1/2 inch too short...
...hammer...

most true.

Trouble light is now called Trouble Dark.
Quote:
Originally Posted by impatient99
Dammit! I've cut this friggin board 3 times and it still too short!!
I've actually posted this list before, so it is a repost. But, since we've grown so much lately, reposts are going to happen. I've even reposted one of my own jokes lately....
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Old 01-13-2006, 09:34 AM   #10
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Never saw it before..lol

Drop light should not be dropped BTW... and the bulb...they actually make a durable drop light bulb.....but who has one?
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