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Old 08-17-2006, 10:47 AM   #1
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Default Think before you speak...

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women'* type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men'* balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy'* pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
bent over,
spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'* JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where'* that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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Old 08-17-2006, 10:54 AM   #2
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I love it
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Old 08-17-2006, 10:57 AM   #3
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"SEE MOM, IT'* JUST FARTS!!"

I so want that on a T Shirt....
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Old 08-17-2006, 11:09 AM   #4
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Those were great! Definitely will get sent out for Thursday laughs...

And John, I think you should have a T-shirt with that on it. It fits your personality!
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Old 08-17-2006, 11:11 AM   #5
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Good one


Check this one out…This happened to me at the store last week

I went to my local store to get stuff for making Pizza.

In my hands I had Pizza Dough, Pizza sauce, Pepperoni, & Cheese.

I set every thing on the counter and the Teenager ask me if I was making Pizza….

I almost start busting out laughing but I held back… it was just too funny.
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Old 08-17-2006, 11:49 AM   #6
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Default Re: Think before you speak...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MOS95B
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy'* pee-pee last night!"


I don't eve think I would have waited for her to get out of the door before I was rolling on the floor
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Old 08-17-2006, 01:17 PM   #7
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These are all true..

Just yesterday at state farm I was getting some insurance quotes and the guy asked me if I wanted an atlas to take with me, and my reply was "sure, I have a global history class this semester, an atlas should help me in that class. " D'OH. I felt like an idiot. haha.


I was behind an old lady at a pizza hut and she was there for a pickup. At the time, the promotional pizza for pizza hut was a pizza called the "four for all." The old lady, probably in her 70'*, told the cashier that she was "here for her four-way." The cashier started busting up laughing.
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Old 08-17-2006, 07:53 PM   #8
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Back when Desert storm was just starting a Blackhawk helicopter was shot down. Out local newsman misspoke and said a they shot down a big black .... he did the classic and for a whole minute there was dead silence while I lmao. Then they went to commercial. LOL

two more involving my grandson

when he was 6 months I took him to the grocery store and when I was getting him out of the cart at the cashiers I gave him a rasberry on his cheek. He looked at me, got a big grin on his face and then gave me one right back. Unfortunately for me it was me it was way more slobber than rasberry. The cashier, bagger, a few people in line, and myself all got a good laugh.

One day at home depot, he was 5 i beleive, we were heading for the cashiers and walk by the girl at the powertools section. He blurts out rather loudly "Theres a hot babe popa!" The girl had heard him and was shocked "Did he just say what I thought he said?" Yes I said, he spent yesterday hanging out with his 19yo uncle at the mall...
While we walked away she laughed. But i can say, the boy does have good taste
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Old 08-17-2006, 08:28 PM   #9
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Thanks for the quote, MOS...
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Old 08-17-2006, 11:05 PM   #10
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never laughed out loud so loud in front of the computer. period.
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