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Old 10-27-2006, 01:03 PM   #11
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Thanks for all of the replies. Keep them coming.


In replying to some of you, I do show my son love and effection as much as he will let me. I always praise him for doing the good things and tell him how proud I am of him when he acomplishes something and will continue to do so.

Usually this is how thigns go when theres a problem:

Scenario one:

Son please dont do that, you can get hurt if you break the glass table.
SON what did I tell you about doing THAT?
I SAID KNOCK IT OFF OR YOUR GOING TO BE PUNISHED!!!

Then I seem to get his attention and he stops. This is an everyday occurance. If I tell him im taking something away I will do it 98% of the time. Yes I should have unplugged the Cable and what not, but you see, im drained most of the time, but Im not giving up, I simply dont have it in me every day to go over the same thing the same thing the same thing over and over and over, even though I do anyways. When I let up ( and don mean to) is when I mentally and emotionally cant do it. I call these my bad days. Some days are better than others but not lately, and with all of the other crap I got going on its tough to stay afloat.

I tried the reward system and give him attainable goals like if you want to go to the dance in two weeks, do your homework and class work. If you want to go with your friends for Halloween, clean up after yourself and do your school work. I cant really reward him for things that are not done. When he chooses not to do them, then I take away what he could have earned.

I have thought about Boot Camp for the summer but not sure what that will do to him mentally, I have also thought about contacting the Probation officer to find out what I can do legally to get him to shape up, but I dont want to put my son through the system since theres a chance of him falling through the cracks. My son also adapts to any situation and if hes with other troubled kids, I dont want to make things worse

My son disrespects me and my GF and has told us to shut up, How much he hates us, that he wished my GF would get into an accident and die..........pretty mean stuff. I know hes angry and by those statements I know there is something going on. All of what im saying here has been told to his counselors and they just blow it off and ask why he says those things. I dont feel that there is any progress being made, and when I go on the 30th, im going to give them an earfull and tell them im at the end of the rope and nothing they suggest is working.

Im staying the course and dealing with this as best as I can. Tats all I can do, but im sure you can imagine, theres just so much I can take. I will NEVER give up on him nor make him feel like it and will always be there for my son no matter what.Im just worried about him as he enters his teenage years on April 13th.

Its just so frustrating. Thanks for letting me vent out and bring this to the forum.
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Old 10-27-2006, 01:09 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pearl_bonnie02
No, we have a school here and it'* for kids that can't be controlled. They cannot have any sort of criminal background and whatnot. The get to go home on weekends, and they can have family visitors every night from 6-8pm, but they live there, have their schooling there and whatnot. Maybe I worded it wrong, it'* not so much military school but an alternative school.
sounds like a boarding school of sorts. that could be a great idea if its done right... It might just take time too. My brother is a little thick in the skull and can't be told ANYTHING. eventuly he'll learn it on his own, but untill then you just have to let him run his own corse. now, that doesn't mean that your son should be given free reign on what he wants to do, but if he refuses to do his homework and you can't get him to see that he has to then maybe he just has to repete a grade a few times before he'll see that there isn't an "easy" way out.
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Old 10-27-2006, 01:18 PM   #13
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Have you ever sat down with your son and talked to him? If not, find a place that you guys cannot be disturbed and a place where things can't be destroyed and just you and him sit down and get him to tell you how he feels. Is he feeling neglected? Is someone ELSE abusing him? Does he like the school? (if he doesn't, might be good idea to find some nearby school if there'* any and let him tour it and maybe transfer there), etc Ask him and don't let him leave the room if he won't. This will require a lot of patience and NO anger from the father...I know you can do that.

That'* honestly the first thing that came to my mind is just to sit down and address the problem...

Cody
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Old 10-27-2006, 01:28 PM   #14
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BLACK94SSEi, I sense the frustration, and am glad you're hanging in there.
Again these are my opinions and you can take it for what it'* worth or just put me on ignore but here it goes again.
Put yourself in your son'* shoes, if you told him you would always be there for him and then say that you we're putting him in a boarding school for his own good, at the age of 12, how would you take that? He has been moved around somewhat…….. now put him in a stable environment.
I think that you and you're GF need to work this out, and come to an understanding; then when your frustration is showing; (due to its high level) have her take over so you can take a breather.
I have a good friend (single parent with BF) that is going through this same problem and she agrees with our advice BUT, she always tells us how hard it is, and can't maintain that 100% rule so her daughter always pushes that rule. That 100% is so important.

I'm not going to make this longwinded, since you have enough on you're plate.
In conclusion:
Set rules and maintain them 100%
Discipline when rules aren't met
Reward when progress is made.
Always show love, support and that you're always there for him.

I will repeat one thing, this will be harder than you can imagine, and since at this point he is set in his ways, it'* going to be very difficult to change his mindset.....are you up for the challenge?

EIT: in rereading my posts I think I may have voiced some strong opinions, therfore this will be my last post on this subject.
Please don't take offense to anything I have written.
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Old 10-27-2006, 01:36 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BLACK94SSEi
My son sees both a psychiatrist AND a psychologist as well as takes medication for ADHD and Depression.
Have you met with his doctors? Have they discussed any sort of action plan with you or provided any advice for YOU as possible ways to deal with issues as they occur?

I know they are seeing him, but they can be a good source for you as well.
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Old 10-27-2006, 01:49 PM   #16
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Just a question...when did this behavior start? Was there an event (like the divorce) that triggered something? I am going to bet that the youngster wasn't always this way, and something caused this.

Also, remember that friends are like elevators...they can lift you up, or they can take you down. What I mean is that you should see who his friends are. Is he learning this behavior from someone or a couple someones. If the youngster hangs with the wrong crowd, he will adopt their behavior. So control his friends, while you have the time.

It'* probably too early for this, but go around and grab some applications for some entry level jobs (like the local Good Burger fast food places) and explain this is basically where he is headed. Places with a very low cool factor. If he doesn't change his direction, he is headed down a path where he probably will not want to go. Once there, he needs to know it'* hard to get back on the right path.

Everyone'* advice to stand by your rules and rewards and/or punishments is of course very sound advice. Kids do need the discipline and to know where the ou-of-bound lines are, though they rarely say that.

Finally, many youngsters spell love this way: t-i-m-e. You may do this already, but find things you guys can do together, things he really likes to do.

Good luck to you! Keep the hope up, and don't let him push your buttons. Because the youngster misbehaves is no reason to ruin your life. Let him know that you are the parent and are in control.

NCC
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Old 10-27-2006, 01:54 PM   #17
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I just thought of this. I'm not sure if it plays a role in his behavior.

My uncle has Huntington'* Disease and he'* taking a lot of medication, some to treat the tremors, some to treat the mood swings. etc. Well those medicines made my uncle act differently, his wife (my aunt) found him sitting in a dark room with no lights, tv or radio on, he just sat there and stared at the wall for how long! So my aunt took him to a different or the same doctor (I can't recall) and had him alter the mediciation.

You mentioned that your son is taking medication for ADHD and depression, maybe those medicines are interacting in a bad way and causing him to act like this? I would suggest getting a second opinion from a different doctor that specialize in behavioral problems or something like that
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Old 10-27-2006, 02:27 PM   #18
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I’m not a social worker, nor do I play one on TV. But I have raised 3 kids, and have extended family that have had issues with their children.

There have been some great comments made, and I especially agree with things 'Camper, ECHO, and FUEL have said. Permit me to add a couple comments, for what they’re worth:

First, understand that you won’t be able to go home tonight, armed with our professional advice, and fix the situation. It took time for your son to develop the personality he has, and it will take even more time to undo the negative traits. Fasten your seatbelt because you have a long road ahead of you and it will be a bumpy ride. It will require all you’ve got and the best you have to give. No less.

Second, I suggest you find something you & he share an interest in and spend time doing it with him. Doesn’t matter how silly it may seem. Could be anything. Photography, dirt bikes, butterfly collecting, fishing, selling crap on EBay. Whatever. If you can spend some time together enjoying something he likes to do, chances are you’ll start to break down some of his barriers and eventually he’ll open up. That’* the goal anyway.

Hmm. Dirt bikes…that’* the stuff! You can be involved, it’* fun, it’ll channel all that energy he has, it’ll focus his attention, and give him some exercise. Problem solved. LOL!
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Old 10-27-2006, 02:31 PM   #19
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Maybe you haven't looked into ADHD very much, But I bet the medication is the problem. I happen to have been diagnosed for it many times, yet I take no medication because it'* a bull*** diagnosis. Look it up online and in medical journals.

Maybe try looking into what behavior modifacation drugs you're giving your kid before you wonder why you don't like his behavior...

Quote:
Ritalin is a central nervous system stimulant designed to treat a "disease" called "attention deficit hyperactivity disorder." Now, you may be wondering why a stimulant is used to treat hyperactivity, but you're not a doctor, so give up any hope of understanding. You're just going to have to trust The Man. (Even doctors don't have a good answer to this question. The National Institute of Mental Heatlh says "The answer to this question is not well established," and adds "more research is needed." Implied but not overtly stated are the credos: "Trust The Man" and "We Just Pump Your Kids Full Of Drugs Until Something Seems To Work.")

The current "thinking" is that 5 percent of U.*. children are suffering from this "disease," for which the NIMH lists such symptoms as inattentiveness in school, the inability to sit still, the desire to run around and play, fidgeting in a classroom chair, impulsiveness and impatience, or making inappropriate comments. If you remember doing any of these things as a child, then you really missed out on the super drug-induced behavior modification that kids today enjoy so well.

Upwards of 8 million American children are estimated to be using Ritalin or a related drug type, and that appears to be a lowball estimate based on old data. Ritalin use has increased nearly 1,000 percent in 10 years.

If all that isn't "Big Brother" enough for you, consider this tidbit from NIMH: "Physicians and parents should be aware that schools are federally mandated to perform an appropriate evaluation if a child is suspected of having a disability that impairs academic functioning (specifically including ADHD)." So don't worry! If you can't keep your kid in line, The Man will do it for you!
http://www.rotten.com/library/conspiracy/mind-control/
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Old 10-27-2006, 02:41 PM   #20
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You know, it'* kind of curious, the medicines for ADD or ADHD. Medicines are prescribed to cure a "chemical imbalance", so called. But 99% of the time, when asked how the chemical imbalance was determined, what chemical test was used, the doctor will look at the parents as if they are nuts. Fact is, I believe some fluids would need to be extracted from the youngster and tested for such an imbalance. And no such tests are ever performed. So the mention of just being sure that these drugs are necessary is a good one, for all parents.

Again, this is in no way suggesting that you havent already done this. We are all just making suggestions from our own experiences. BTW, I am a father of 4, stepfather of 2 more, and a couple of them were not, shall I say, running on the straight and narrow.

Good Luck!
NCC
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