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Old 10-27-2003, 01:34 AM   #1
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Default Random Funny stuff

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she smiled and said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen'* Ball."

Giving her a stern look, he replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she continued to smile and tried not to laugh. Realizing what he'd just said, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left without saying another word. The women broke down and laughed so hard it was another 10 minutes before she could pull herself together and start her car.


The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
- I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife'* face.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

and finally

If the ad says…. it really means….

MUST SELL… before it blows up.
RUNS FINE… I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
NEEDS SOME BODY WORK… was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
WELL-MAINTAINED… I occasionally changed the oil.
LOOKS LIKE NEW… just don't try to drive it anywhere.
ALL ORIGINAL… I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
LOADED WITH OPTIONS… each one more troublesome than the last.
NEVER SMOKED IN… unfortunately, that'* the best thing I can say about it.
PROJECT CAR… I can't figure out how to finish it and I doubt you will either.
LOTS OF POTENTIAL… to drive you insane.
NEEDS MINOR REPAIR… doesn't run.
ENGINE QUIET... uses 90-weight oil
PARTS CAR... beyond repair.
ROUGH CONDITION… too bad to lie about.
IMMACULATE... recently washed.
CONCOURS... recently waxed.
NEEDS MINOR OVERHAUL... needs engine.
NEEDS MAJOR OVERHAUL... phone the junkyard.
BURNS NO OIL... (it all leaks out).
REBUILT ENGINE... cleaned the spark plugs.
DRIVE IT AWAY... I live on a hill.
DRIVE IT ANYWHERE... (within 10 miles).
DESIRABLE CLASSIC... no one wants it.
RARE CLASSIC... no one wanted it even when it was new.
STORED 20 YEARS... (in a farmer'* field).
RAN WHEN STORED... won't start.
NEVER APART... bolts too rounded to loosen.
SOLID AS A ROCK... rusted solid
RESTORED, WITH 0 MILES... won't start.
RESTORED, WITH 2 MILES... won't stay running.
OLDER RESTORATION... first owner washed it.
GOOD INVESTMENT... can't be worth much less.
NO TIME TO RESTORE IT... can't obtain parts.
95% COMPLETE... other 5% doesn't exist.
CLEAN… homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.
GOOD TRANSPORTATION… It'* ugly as sin.
ENGINE BLUEPRINTED… I don't know what it means either.
LOW MILES… the odometer was turned back.
ONE OWNER… can't give it away.
SURE TO APPRECIATE… that'* why I'm selling it.
. . .OR BEST OFFER… I'm guessing here.
OTHER INTERESTS CONFLICT... spouse'* ultimatum: "Either that #[email protected]&## thing goes or I do!"
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Old 10-27-2003, 01:45 AM   #2
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ALL ORIGINAL… I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced
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Old 10-27-2003, 01:46 AM   #3
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I've seen these, and still think they are great!
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