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Old 02-22-2008, 12:00 PM   #1
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Default New birthday toy for Pmom

Last week at a sporting goods store I saw something that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our Nicholes birthday at the end of month and I was looking for a little something different to get her this year.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Nichole what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Max looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Max (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Max looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure somebody ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, ********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again,stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug " yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violently thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative!!!

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up
there??? I will never know. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my *********! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!


P. *. Hope Nichole likes the gift.
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Old 02-22-2008, 12:28 PM   #2
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thanks for the laugh, I needed one about now
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Old 02-22-2008, 12:38 PM   #3
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That is the funniest thing I have ever read!

Just glad it was not me......my wife read this over my shoulder and was cracking up! She said that she could see me doing something like that...and wonders if that is how I lost my Ba%$ years ago!

Hope there is no permanent damage to the family jewels......

Happy Birthday Nichole.......
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Old 02-22-2008, 01:07 PM   #4
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After 2 kids mike grapes are seedless so no great loss
Actually I find I can run quicker now without the Interference
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Old 02-22-2008, 01:19 PM   #5
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LOL

thanks for making me laugh out loud in class
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Old 02-22-2008, 02:56 PM   #6
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WHAT NO PIC'* of the twitching nipples?


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

ROD
maybe you can show us at the WCBF, we can shoot an video for you ! ! !
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Old 02-22-2008, 03:17 PM   #7
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You know, I keep seeing these stories...always different words, always honest first drafts, but they always wind up with the guy saying he couldn't find has balls for a while afterwards....
You back to normal yet? At least, as far as you ever are?
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Old 02-22-2008, 03:55 PM   #8
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LOL that'* really funny. I always wondered if those things actually worked, thanks .
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Old 02-22-2008, 04:00 PM   #9
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lol. i like the infomercial where the have a housemom vs. a UFC fighter in a ring, and she has the tazer... guess who wins













she doesnt even leave her corner
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Old 02-23-2008, 12:25 AM   #10
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Repost.....
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