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Old 10-30-2005, 01:35 AM   #1
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Default Need some advice...

A person I know has big family issues. The family is verbally and damn near physically abusive. They are upset and now bringing me into this, they have threaten to kick my *** if I step on the property now to help her. I dont very kindly to people threatening me, let along calling someone nasty names. I told her to go back home, and if her dad hits her to call the cops for assualt and/or domestic being in a family enviroment. I want to see him goto jail just to give him an idea of how bad he treats his kids.
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Old 10-30-2005, 01:38 AM   #2
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domestic issues are just about themost sensetive there are, you shouldnt personally intervene but i would agree to tell ur friend to call the cops ithings ever get out of hand, evenwithout an arrest the cops showing up could be enough to straighten tihngs out somewhat
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Old 10-30-2005, 01:41 AM   #3
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note...this person is a BC member, so be nice...
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Old 10-30-2005, 01:46 AM   #4
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this is a very touchy subject. one of my friends dads hit her from time to time. you can tell them all you want to call the cops, but you cant make them.
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Old 10-30-2005, 01:52 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ELMACHOGERACHO
this is a very touchy subject. one of my friends dads hit her from time to time. you can tell them all you want to call the cops, but you cant make them.
I dated a girl who was and still is in that shitty living situation. and I agree with EL , there is NOTHING you can do to make them call the cops. I have tried for months because of her abusive mother, nothing. She still puts up with it. Not sure why though.
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Old 10-30-2005, 01:53 AM   #6
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well regardless of who your friend is the hard fact is doing nothing changes nothing, her only options are to either live with it, or do something about it and the police are probably the only ones who can since it sounds like if she did anything it could get physical, and the final option is to move out
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Old 10-30-2005, 01:05 AM   #7
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I know. Im just glad shes joining the AF in jan. Gets her out of that situation for good.
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Old 10-30-2005, 01:53 AM   #8
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Chad, the best advice I can offer:

Big difference between verbal/mental abuse and physical. And if it'* physical, you better be able to prove it. The authorities can do NOTHING until you do, and you may only make it worse by filing charges for something like this unless it'* physical and you can prove it.

Solution? Remove her from the environment yourself.

Problem:

It'* typical for the victims of domestic abuse (verbal or physical) to fear their attacker so much that they fear leaving the environment for the wrath that will be bestowed on them when the person re-gains control of them.

I know someone very close that was a victim of physical violence at the hands of his Mother. He feared her so much that he never told his Father or his Brother and Sisters. Not until recently did he find out his Brother was also a victim, but his Sisters were totally ignorant of any abuse. He'* in his 30'* now, and is just coming to terms with it.


Not sure I helped much, as there is no 'real' solution. The best you can do his help her come to terms with it, deal with it, and heal afterwards.
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Old 10-30-2005, 07:27 AM   #9
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Chad, you are talking about a complex and volatile situation. I understand your feelings, but a couple of points. Regardless of you relationship, he has every right to decide who is in his home, or on his property. Also, although "calling the cops" sounds like a valid solution, it usually is not. These are issues that have built up for years, and a 15 minute visit from the cops is not going to solve that. Yes, an arrest can be made on a domestic assault, but there has to be physical evidence to prove the assault occurred, and that the "suspect" was the one who did it. The visit from the cops will not improve things, and may, infact make things worse.

You didn't say, but I'm making an assumption that alcohol is involved. Yes, you can remove her from the situation, but that does not remove her from the emotional issues involved. Running away from it will not change that, and it will come back, some day, some time, and a lot larger issue than it is now *if* the underlying problem is not dealt with. There are several support groups, Al-anon, adult children of alcoholics, for a couple. Private counseling may help too. As for you...you will continue to be a part of it, and your dealings with her will be like dealing with the alcoholic. There is no quick, easy, simple solution. The best you can hope for is that the entire family gets involved in some type of counseling. If not that, than at least her. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt on all aspects
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Old 10-30-2005, 09:23 AM   #10
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I can't tell you how mad those types of situations make me. I've been in your shoes it'* frutrating Men who abuse women, physicaly or verbal are at the very top of the list of people I hate. Sorry to here about what you and we-all-know-who is going through. That this comes from her own family is sickening.
All the advice that can be given seems to have been said already. All I can say is make sure she understands the importance of calling for police help if it gets physicall. Does she have a cell phone she can have on her at all times in case?
As hard as it is try and keep your cool, physical retaleation usaully makes matters worse. I know what you mean about being threatened but don't be reckless. If he comes at you don't be the one to throw first punch, and try not to let it happen on his property.

How long has this been going on? has there always been disagreement between her and her family? By no means is this the proper way to react to differrences, but are the parents not aproving of choices she is making in her life?

Most important of all she needs to know you are there for her no matter how she handles the situation.
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