If you dont get the joke about the mexicans they stole the pearly gates

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music in women'* breast implants.

The "iTit" will cost between $499 to $599 depending on size.

This is considered a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them !!

Brass Monkey:

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters
carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon
balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but
prevent them from rolling about the deck.

The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball
on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of thirty cannon balls could be stacked in a small area
right next to the cannon. There was only one problem - how to prevent the
bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate called a, "Monkey," with sixteen
round indentations. If this plate was made of iron, the iron balls
would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was
to make, "Brass Monkeys."

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped
too far, then brass indentations would shrink so much that the cannon
balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a
brass monkey!"

There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made
mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off
of your face."

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The clerk asks, “What size?”

“Gee, I don't know,” the guy says.

“Go see Sophie in aisle 4,” the clerk says pointing to aisle 4.

The guy goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, “Medium!” The guy is mortified! He hurries over to the register to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.

Sophie grabs him and yells, “Large!” The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

“What size?”

The kid embarrassedly says. “I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.”

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells. “Clean up in aisle 4.

BOTTLE OF MERLOT.

A Texas gentleman(Roger) askeda waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to return this to the woman. It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miamiand a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!!!

A woman in a grocery store is putting her items on the counter. Her purchases include bread, milk, eggs, bacon and coffee.

She notices a guy behind her who is drunk.

The drunk looks at her and says "you must be single."

The woman says "yes", looks at her grocery items and thought it strange. She then asks "how on earth do you know I am single?"

The drunk replied, "because you're ugly!"

Good ones Franco

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let'* pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That'* a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

So this woman is lying in bed for hours with her lover, in her house. Phone rings, she answers, and her part of the conversation: "Where are you? Hmmm! That'* Nice. You winning? Ok, See you about 7"

When she hangs up, her lover verifies: "That was your husband, right?"
"yep", she replies, "he told me he was playing golf with you!"