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Old 03-16-2005, 12:03 PM   #1
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Default Irish jokes (new added)

.........oh and by the way my gialic name is Seamus.
......... Happy St. Patricks day to all
.
IRISH JOKES.....

"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.
"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."

Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!"
"Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?"
"Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!"


Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"

"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"


How is it that we know Christ was Irish?
Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.


How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He'* Dublin over with laughter!!

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Cos they're always a little short


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let'* have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let'* have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary'*," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary'* and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What'* been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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Old 03-16-2005, 12:54 PM   #2
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Default Re: Irish jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gumball
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let'* have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let'* have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary'*," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary'* and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What'* been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
now that is too funny! i LOL at that one!! us irish are like that!
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Old 03-16-2005, 08:04 PM   #3
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Default Re: Irish jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by itsnitro
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gumball
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let'* have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let'* have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary'*," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary'* and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What'* been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
now that is too funny! i LOL at that one!! us irish are like that!
best joke i have heard in a long time
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Old 03-16-2005, 08:07 PM   #4
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God created alcohol,
to keep the Irish for conquering the world
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Old 03-16-2005, 08:37 PM   #5
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i heart being irish, but italians cook better food
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Old 03-16-2005, 09:12 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SSsuperchargedEi
i heart being irish, but italians cook better food
i'm glad I'm both.
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Old 03-16-2005, 11:26 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corvettecrazy
Quote:
Originally Posted by SSsuperchargedEi
i heart being irish, but italians cook better food
i'm glad I'm both.
i agree 2 both!!!!!!!
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Old 03-17-2005, 01:40 PM   #8
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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.

"*'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives!"

************************************************** *****
"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if
he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

************************************************** ***

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest'* breath and then sees
an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you
been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He'* done it
again!"

***********************************************

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the
brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them
said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to
temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

*************************************

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the
pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It'* Michael O'Grady'*
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That'* nothing," says Sean, "here'* one named Patrick O'Toole, it
says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here'* a fella that got to be
145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what
else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

************************************************** *

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady'* after his Sunday morning
service, and she'* in tears.

He says, "So what'* bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that'* terrible. Tell me, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
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Old 03-17-2005, 08:56 PM   #9
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the Irish love their beer
A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

motorcycle ride.
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
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Old 03-17-2005, 11:26 PM   #10
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Quote:
MOS95B: Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady'* after his Sunday morning
service, and she'* in tears.

He says, "So what'* bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that'* terrible. Tell me, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
That is too funny!!!

Happy St Patrick'* Day everyone!
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