While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

A 89 year old woman named Martha went to see her doctor.

"Doctor, where exactly is my heart in my chest?"

" Well, Martha, your heart is right under your left breast", the doctor replied.

2 days later Martha appeared at the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.




I know it is bad, but that is all I have right now, unless you want to hear some kids jokes.

lol. on a similar note,
"What is between an old woman'* breasts?"

"her belly button."

Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy'*!" The mom says, "the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber he got!"

the golfers

.
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that’* true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’* sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she’* lying on her back?"

George said, "That’* when I’m ten minutes late!"

little johnny comes home from school and tells his dad he was suspended. his dad asks what happened. " well , in math class the teacher asked me what 2 x 3 was. i said six " well thats the right answer says dad. whats the problem ? " then he asked me what 3 x 2 was . " what the %$@ is the difference his dad says. " thats what i said !! "

Two birds are on a perch.
One turns to the other and says: "You smell fish?"

Two fish are in a tank.
One turns to the other and says: "You know how to drive this thing?"

oooooh, heres a good one.

two guys walk into a bar, ok?


and a third guy walks under it.

get it?

How many guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3 , one to screw it in, and 2 to help him brag about the screwing part.