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Old 11-13-2006, 08:31 AM   #1
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Default Guidelines for Platonic Friendship

Though I feel ití* impossible to forge a platonic friendship with a woman, Iím willing to give it a shot. Women make up more than half of the population and they turn up everywhere. As my wife tells me, Iím not good with women. A big part of that is my inability to correctly read their actions. I canít tell when a woman wants to be my friend or when they want to do crazy sex stuff to me.

As a single man this led me into a lot of awkward situations where I either unknowingly stomped on the feelings of a girl who liked me or I tried to plant a kiss on one who just wanted to pal around. Toward the end of my single life I decided to take charge of my emotions and set down some guidelines for my lady friends. I know it seems unfair to impose these rules on the women when I had the problem, but to be honest Iíd forget any rules for myself the minute cleavage enters the room. It would be up to the woman to help avoid confusion and maintain the innocence of the relationship. Now that Iím married I get by with the mantra: ďI love my wife and this lady isnít interested.Ē Iím never at risk of betraying my marriage, but this statement needs to be repeated every time a hot young girl does anything remotely flirty toward me. It calms the tornado of thoughts and emotions that women stir up in me. The truth is Iím still driven by my animal instincts despite living in a civilized world and my wedding vows are just barely able to hold me back.

Although Iíve found my own salvation, there are many young men out there who are bumbling their way through our world of commingled sexes. They are at risk of embarrassing themselves and possibly offending others. The following guidelines helped me and perhaps they could help someone else. They are intended for women who have stated that they just want to be friends and should not be handed out to strangers on the street. The woman must be aware of the friendship before laying ground rules. Following these rules, I think men and women can flaunt the call of nature and hang out with each other as if they were exclusively gay. If you arenít sure that your situation warrants these guidelines then determine if three factors apply: Youíre smitten with her, she thinks you are a nice guy, but she refuses to have sex with you.

1. No hugging for greetings or salutations. Hugging is only allowed for personal tragedies or blessed events when the emotional significance of the situation blocks out the knowledge that your boobies are pressing against me. We have hands; lets shake them.

2. No sleepovers. I think of all women who sleep in bed with me as potential sex partners. I spend all my free time trying to coax women in, so if you get in there, I canít help but think you want some. If you or I need a place to crash sometime, then we should employ a couch. The breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex.

3. No seat sharing. When girls sit on the arm of my chair or in my lap or next to me in a one-person seat, it makes me think that she wants some sexing. A possible exception is fitting an extra person in a car that is filled to capacity. I canít let my passion hurt the quest to maximize a designated driver, but be warned; it might not be the seat belt poking you.

4. No flirting. So if you laugh at a joke of mine, it better be a funny joke.

5. No judgment making on any girl that I see. Good or bad, ití* the guy friends' job to belittle and pick apart girlfriends, if a woman does this, it means she wants the guy for herself. So you think she is trashy and dumb? Well, you could have dated me but you just wanted to be friends.

6. No judgment making on how I treat any girl I might date, be it for six months, or six hours. You have thrown your log onto the fire of chauvinism in my heart, so you are partially to blame if an innocent girl gets burned.

7. No sparing of my feelings. Ití* emasculating. Don't worry, you already broke my heart, go ahead and heap more crap on me. Iíll turn all embarrassment and pain into bitterness and anger, and then occasionally let it all out in some meat headed act.

8. No setting me up on pity dates. If you truly know of a woman who would be very happy with me and I with her, then we will talk.

9. No being attracted to me. Impossible, I know, but you seem to have found a way, so stick with that. Iím going to be as attractive as possible in pursuit of other women, so if you are going to be seeing me in a bathing suit, you might want to make sure you are on the pill as the breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex. In fact, donít even tell me I look good as that will torment me for days.

10. No confiding in me about boys. I am not your girl friend; I am your reluctant man friend who officially hates all men that you date now or in the future. Asking for hypothetical guy advice is okay; just donít slam me with details about particular guys you are sleeping with. If this rule seems contrary to rule 7, just remember that Iím a beautifully complex being.

11. No asking for man favors such as furniture moving, yard work, or car trouble help. I don't like to waste displays of extreme masculinity on women who have decided not to sleep with me. In a pinch you can bribe me to do man chores with beer. Please hand me the case as a gift versus doling them out one at a time from your fridge. That keeps it strictly business.

12. Try to avoid incidental contact. I can't outlaw this since there are times when the brush of a leg or a sleeve is purely accidental, but try to be careful. You can take steps to not put your arm in mine while walking or lay against me on a couch or other things like that. Those things would lead me to think you want me to sex you.

13. No asking for massages or neck rubs, thatí* a lot of foreplay to waste on someone who doesn't want the main event. Besides, shouldnít your boyfriend give you massages? Why arenít we dating again?

14. No dating any guy who treats you bad or neglects you in any way, thatí* just a slap in my face. I ******* adore you.

15. No judgments on any of my behavior. It would lead me to think you care a little too much about my well being. So I don't want to hear any, "Stop smoking", or "Don't drink so much," or "Don't use women." Of course if I am truly being an ******* in some situation, feel free to clue me in, thatí* what friends do.

16. You have to let me know immediately if you want to be more than friends. Iím only doing this to respect your wishes. If you ever want more, rest assured that I do too. At any moment we can tear these guidelines up and spend 24 hours doing every imaginable sexy act.
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Old 11-13-2006, 08:39 AM   #2
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Copying.. putting into contract form for Julii....lol
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Old 11-13-2006, 11:39 AM   #3
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Those are funny C'mon- you know you want a backrub

No woman would follow such rules since we like to torture men anyways.
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Old 11-13-2006, 11:40 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SSE14U24ME
Those are funny C'mon- you know you want a backrub

No woman would follow such rules since we like to torture men anyways.
Yeah. I know...
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Old 11-13-2006, 11:42 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MOS95B
Quote:
Originally Posted by SSE14U24ME
Those are funny C'mon- you know you want a backrub

No woman would follow such rules since we like to torture men anyways.
Yeah. I know...
Awe C'mon John- you know it is a ritual that has been done for more years than both of us combined We'll be gentle with ya...... maybe
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Old 11-13-2006, 11:46 AM   #6
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Too many of those applied to a woman that I really liked a few years back.

The biggest issue that got in the way, though, was her sexual preference. Even though she liked "innies", and I have an "outie" (if you catch my drift), she sure wasn't afraid to flirt and tease. Damn her...
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Old 11-13-2006, 11:50 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MOS95B
Too many of those applied to a woman that I really liked a few years back.

The biggest issue that got in the way, though, was her sexual preference. Even though she liked "innies", and I have an "outie" (if you catch my drift), she sure wasn't afraid to flirt and tease. Damn her...
I can see how that would be a big issue She was playing with you for sport.
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Old 11-13-2006, 12:15 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SSE14U24ME
No woman would follow such rules since we like to torture men anyways.
i know it happens rarely, but i agree completely with you here
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Old 11-13-2006, 12:21 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jwakamud
Quote:
Originally Posted by SSE14U24ME
No woman would follow such rules since we like to torture men anyways.
i know it happens rarely, but i agree completely with you here


Stop the presses.
We have a history making event going on here
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Old 11-13-2006, 12:48 PM   #10
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That was absolutely frikken HILARIOUS!!!!

Thanks John, that'* getting printed out and folded up to put in my wallet and share with non-BC friends.
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