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Old 04-10-2006, 03:55 PM   #1
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Default Do Not Call

The Federal Trade Commission'* Do Not Call registry is temporarily shut down due to a federal court ruling that declared that it overstepped boundaries. Please use the following if contacted by a telemarketer.

1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.
“Is it a low interest rate? mmmmm…I like low interest rates…really low…”

2. In an outrageously excited tone: “Thank god you called!!!” Explain that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call disguised as an *******.

3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone.

4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly pronounce the letter “*”. Tell him you won’t report him if he repeats his speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.

5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the connection.

6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : “Dan, stop screwing around…we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a chainsaw or not?”

7. “Congratulations! You’re the 100th caller on the (insert local radio station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You’ve just won a pair of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Sean Paul’* celebrity vacation house.” Take down her address and send her all of your L.L.Bean catalogues for the rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat’* litter box.

8. Flirt.

9. Keep repeating, “I knew you were going to say that…”

10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence… see how long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say “That really hurts my fee…fee… fee… fee…feel…fee… fee… fee…” ad infinitum.

11. Repeatedly flush the toilet while he’* talking.

12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial job for him. Ask if he wouldn’t mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in a deep husky voice “May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary”

13. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer. Start at $1000. Say you are dead serious.

14. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.

15. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand to everything thing he says,, “2.3% interest rate? oh my…did you know Barbara was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl…”

16. Every few minutes repeat, “You’re going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem…who is this again?”

17. “Oh my god, I used to have your job…does Bob still work there (repeat names until you find a match)…which building are you in?” Escalate coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished.

18. Regardless of the offer tell him you’ll take 7. If he asks what you mean say he drives a hard bargain and you’ll take 9, but that’* as far as you’ll go.

19. Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid mother. “You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of the wheelchair for a change. You just sit there and think about that for a while, mother. Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”

20. Forgive him. Tell him you did. Over and over again, until he hangs up. Then secretly take it back.
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Old 04-10-2006, 07:51 PM   #2
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Default Re: Do Not Call

Those were hilarious... i am deffinately going to try some of these out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MOS95B
3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone.
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Old 04-10-2006, 08:04 PM   #3
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Default Re: Do Not Call

Quote:
Originally Posted by MOS95B
3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone.


5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the connection.

6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : “Dan, stop screwing around…we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a chainsaw or not?”


8. Flirt.


11. Repeatedly flush the toilet while he’* talking.



16. Every few minutes repeat, “You’re going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem…who is this again?”

The ones listed in this quote are all ones I have done. They are quite enjoyable. I have also gone to the lengths to get angry when they told me I won a free vacation and then try to sell me something. I say, "Oh no you sonuva*****! You said I won now send me my god **** plane tickets!"
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Old 04-10-2006, 09:02 PM   #4
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I once had some auto-erotica while talking to a telemarketer, she had a sexy voice.
I had to put her on hold so I could make preparations. I was thinking of differet words while she talked, and I don't know what she looked like, but in my fantasy she had this real tiny miniskirt, black hose with seams up the backs of the legs, thick black curly hair, nice tan,
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Old 04-11-2006, 01:14 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by impatient99
I once had some auto-erotica while talking to a telemarketer, she had a sexy voice.
I had to put her on hold so I could make preparations. I was thinking of differet words while she talked, and I don't know what she looked like, but in my fantasy she had this real tiny miniskirt, black hose with seams up the backs of the legs, thick black curly hair, nice tan,
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Old 04-11-2006, 01:18 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by impatient99
I once had some auto-erotica while talking to a telemarketer, she had a sexy voice.
I had to put her on hold so I could make preparations. I was thinking of differet words while she talked, and I don't know what she looked like, but in my fantasy she had this real tiny miniskirt, black hose with seams up the backs of the legs, thick black curly hair, nice tan,
kinky... freak!
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Old 04-11-2006, 01:29 AM   #7
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i know this is a joke, but let me just say...

if you want not to be bothered, immediately ask [nicely] to be taken off the calling list. if youre rude about it, hell very likely schedule a call-back for the next couple hours. i always did.

dont waste his/her time by pretending to listen. they are just doing their job trying to make a buck, and a lot of them work on commission. its not his fault you were doing something terribly important when he called.

do you really feel like you deserve to be able to waste his money because hes willing to do what he needs to do to make money, rather than sit at home with his mother and complain about how there are no jobs to be had?

off my soapbox, into the computer room to dispose of a monitor.
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Old 04-11-2006, 01:31 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jwakamud
i know this is a joke, but let me just say...

if you want not to be bothered, immediately ask [nicely] to be taken off the calling list. if youre rude about it, H*** very likely schedule a call-back for the next couple hours. i always did.

dont waste his/her time by pretending to listen. they are just doing their job trying to make a buck, and a lot of them work on commission. its not his fault you were doing something terribly important when he called.

do you really feel like you deserve to be able to waste his money because hes willing to do what he needs to do to make money, rather than sit at home with his mother and complain about how there are no jobs to be had?

off my soapbox, into the computer room to dispose of a monitor.
I used to be a telemarketer. I used to put people on call back all the time at 10 minute intervals. It was fun. Now that I look back, I think of all the enjoyment I gave people who messed with me. I'm just passing the torch.
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Old 04-11-2006, 08:50 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jwakamud
i know this is a joke, but let me just say...

if you want not to be bothered, immediately ask [nicely] to be taken off the calling list. if youre rude about it, H*** very likely schedule a call-back for the next couple hours. i always did.

dont waste his/her time by pretending to listen. they are just doing their job trying to make a buck, and a lot of them work on commission. its not his fault you were doing something terribly important when he called.

do you really feel like you deserve to be able to waste his money because hes willing to do what he needs to do to make money, rather than sit at home with his mother and complain about how there are no jobs to be had?

off my soapbox, into the computer room to dispose of a monitor.
Yes, it is a joke. And yes, they are just people trying to make a living like the rest of us.

Besides, I'm not the kind of person that could do any (or at least most) of that to a total stranger. I just tell them No Thanks politely (or as politely as I can muster, depending upon what they interrupted) and let them move on to their next call.
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Old 04-11-2006, 08:56 AM   #10
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So in all seriousness,
Now we hear jokes, advice, whatever about how to handle telemarketers.
And most of it is not polite.
And there is the "no call" list...

So evidently, people hate telemarketers to call. So WHY do companies still perpetuate this advertising pracitce? OH sure, maybe a few poor suckers will buy this month'* scam, but most just get annoyed and cuss or hang up.
And when one sees it is a telemarketer call, most people won't listen for a second.
Why do telemarketers still exist?

SIDE NOTE - One time this collection place called my house,
COL - "...and how do you plan to take care of this...?"
ME - "I am waiting for hell to freeze over..."
Ain't heard from them since.
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