Remember back when you were a child and you seriously believed BS like “you can be whatever you want to be”? Well, after 40+ years and much deep thought, I have come to the conclusion that there are some things I’ll never be able to do. No matter how hard I try.

International Spy

I always thought that it would be cool to infiltrate the enemy camp and relay information to my superiors via some really cool gadget. Way cooler than the stuff you see in Sharper Image catalogues. Having only my wits to aid me, I would single handedly save the country and the world from the nefarious villains.

As it turns out, James Bond I am not.

Aside from my complete inability to lie well, I’m a slight bit...clumsy. There I would be, stealthily creeping through the head bad guy’* secret lair when I’d trip over a rug, break something that is probably really important, and bring so much attention to my not-so-stealthy moves that I might as well have just brazenly walked in with a big neon sign that declared “SPY”.

Obviously, after that I would be apprehended and tortured. And because I am a little bitch I would spill all manner of secret information. Then I would be killed.

Additionally, I am not even remotely British and they seem to have all the cool secret agents.

So international spy is just not going to happen.

World Famous Ice Skater

OK. Admittedly, this one is a bit girly but it sure beats being a princess in a tower waiting for some jackass to rescue me. As I have already mentioned, I am more than a little clumsy. Me + ice + sharp metal blades = somebody going straight to the emergency room.

Not me, of course. My clumsiness generally results in someone else getting hurt. I’d be in the middle of my long program, executing a perfect triple axle (it’* my dream, stop judging) when my skate would fly off my foot and lodge itself firmly in a spectator’* skull. Probably culminating in death.

Lack of grace is the first impediment to this particular dream, but even more glaringly obvious is that I am inherently lazy. Physical exertion isn’t something I do.

Ice skating is out.

Indiana Jones

What kid didn’t desire to be a university instructor by day and an adventurous archaeologist by night? Probably some ******* kid who sucked, that’* who.

Again, I am not so much balanced and graceful of movement. Pretty much less akin to an acrobat and more akin to an epileptic competing in a calligraphy contest. I’d be just about to remove the statuette and replace it with the bag of sand when I’d fall head first into the pedestal. That is, of course, assuming I’d gotten that far to begin with...which is pretty far from likely.

Indiana Jones...not gonna happen

You are more of a Minnesota Jones instead. Those are funny. BTW, I should stop wasting my time in this damn tower waiting for Mr. Right, huh?