Beer - Liquid Gold
07-06-2003, 10:37 PM
#11
Senior Member
True Car Nut
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Genoa, Illinois
Posts: 4,013
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
I remember some people bullshitting about cars, me talking about what dog food tastes like, and blowing many many firecrackers in my hand. 
07-09-2003, 08:36 AM
#13
Senior Member
Certified Car Nut
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Robbinsdale, MN
Posts: 15,408
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Sounds like the perfect place to share this:
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your
many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which
I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when
needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're
even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've
been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you
have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to
some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce,
coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate
nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and
chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you
went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me thatI need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should
never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the
lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones,
or bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I
do actually know that person. The phrase 'let'* F***' is illegal from now
on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
statement, especially in public.
6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little
penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the
2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag
of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my
daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.
Come on now, it'* only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partner ship.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your
many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which
I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when
needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're
even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've
been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you
have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to
some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce,
coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate
nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and
chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you
went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me thatI need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should
never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the
lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones,
or bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I
do actually know that person. The phrase 'let'* F***' is illegal from now
on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
statement, especially in public.
6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little
penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the
2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag
of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my
daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.
Come on now, it'* only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partner ship.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post