New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There'* a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that'* served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy'* chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here'* how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There'* no such thing as flavored water. There'* a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That'* your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that'* square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It'* right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport . It'* one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.*. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What'* next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It'* called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it'* for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it'* the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he'* supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He'* two," will do just fine. He'* not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God'* sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

hahahahaa


there are some pretty good ones in there

Truer words were never spoken, I moved from my hometown and stay in touch with everyone I want to, the rest I dont really care

Those are funny, did you write em or just agree?

My two favorites.
ALl of them wereg reat My two favorites

I still live in my hometown and I don't keep in touch with any of the people I went to school with.

I wish I had written them. I got them in an email from a good friend

Boo on the debit card one.

These are written by Bill Maher, from his book New Rules

They are funny!!!

Scott, check your email.... I'm sending you something

amen. [yes, pun intended.]

this, out of the whole bunch, is the only one that made me laugh. most made me smile, even a chuckle or two, but that one made me laugh outright. i always hate asking someone how old their child is, then having to divide by twelve, carry the two, put the remainder off to the side, and come to the conclusion that their child is 48 years ol d and still wearing diapers.

Lol very nice