This is some stuff I thought was funny. Hope yall enjoy and no offense to anyone on any of these.

Alicia
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-An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping
mall. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw--but especially by two shiny silver walls that
could move apart and slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father
(never before having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.
I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching in
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled her
way up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a
small chamber. The walls closed, and the boy and his
father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until the
last number was reached; then the numbers began to
light in reverse order. Finally the walls opened
again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son................. "Go get your
mother"

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Some people are just .. yeah.... lol.



Early on Saturday morning I got up early, put on my
long johns,

and dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the
dog and

went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck
and down

the driveway I went.



Coming out of the garage, rain is pouring down; it is
like a

torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the
rain, and

the wind is blowing 50 mph.



Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back
into the

house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find
it'*

going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the
boat back in

the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into
bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife'* back, now with a
different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

To which she sleepily mumbles, "Can you believe my
stupid

husband is out fishing in that crap."

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OH BOY!!!! .... LOL...


Loyalty in Marriage

A woman'* husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single
day. One day,
he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the
bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my
side..You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with love.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me."

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HOW TO POOP AT WORK


We've all been there but don't like to admit
it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping
at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the
office so the smell is not in your area and everyone
else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom
before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a
leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This
is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you
did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at
a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the
poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of airtime
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can
be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk
can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is
damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The
Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom
somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of
your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you
are in the stall and tries to force the door open.
This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If
this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd
Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is
very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to
alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud
splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of
loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied
by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to
linger around forever. This person could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult
to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP
is an inevitable part of life

haha.