Southern grandma
06-07-2006, 08:57 AM
#1
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Southern grandma
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied,
"Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. He'* lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in
the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and,
in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied,
"Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. He'* lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in
the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and,
in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."
06-07-2006, 09:04 AM
#3
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Kind of a Hijack, but on a similar note....
How to Get Your *** Kicked in The South
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It'* just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ***.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ***.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it'* called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it'* Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it'* still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an *** kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ***.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ***.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ***.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ***.
8 ) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ***.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your *** kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your *** home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that'* all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ***.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your *** all the way back into Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your *** just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us live in the countryside? That'* because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ***.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your *** shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus your ***.
Y'all have a nice day!
How to Get Your *** Kicked in The South
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It'* just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ***.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ***.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it'* called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it'* Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it'* still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an *** kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ***.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ***.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ***.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ***.
8 ) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ***.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your *** kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your *** home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that'* all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ***.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your *** all the way back into Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your *** just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us live in the countryside? That'* because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ***.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your *** shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus your ***.
Y'all have a nice day!
06-07-2006, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Gumball
John, I'd tell you Not to hijack my post but.
You'de probably kick my A$$.
You'de probably kick my A$$.
What a coincidence.