Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid'* pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18 ) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28 ) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38 ) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48 ) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

...
4) Unintentionally leave oil leak trail from Jiffy Lube to the house.
5) While stopped in driveway explain to City/County/State Police following you why you were contaminating the street with oil.
6) Sign citation for "hazardous spills" with fine of $500 mandated by the city or county.
7) Without thinking what a lack of oil might mean to the car start the car, and drive down the driveway and into the garage while continuing to gush oil.
8 ) Wondering what that knocking is you listen to the car as it continues to run in the garage, and finally decide to leave it running while you hunt for your husband.
9) While the car is still running in the garage (or maybe not) you explain to him while he'* under the washing machine in the basement (because someone decided to wash a bunch of panty-hose that are now completely wrapped up inside the drum mechanism) that there might be something wrong with the car and he should come listen to it running.
10) Covered in old detergent, and soaked with old water the husband lumbers out to the garage to hear an engine finally freeze up.
11) After throwing every tool he has against the garage wall (and throwing the new case of oil and filter he had to do the job himself along with the tools) he crawls under and determines the drain plug was missing/cross-threaded to allow a steady stream of oil to leak out of the car.
12) Husband spends three weeks calling places and getting a new motor for the car, and using the $$$ he was going to use to buy his wife a new diamond ring for Christmas.
13) Several months later you're mad at your husband (calling him an insensative a$$-hole) and you aren't talking to him because instead of the diamond ring you thought you were going to get for Christmas you got a new washing machine instead.

Hazardous Waste Fine: $500
Destruction of Thrown Tools: $700
Waste on oil and filter: $50.00
Final Death of washing machine: $600
New engine for car: $3000
Total: $21.00 + $4850.00 = $4871.00

LOL

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.