Lying...
 

Lying. It is a timeless art. A craft, really. One which must be cultivated and perfected.

Now we will really analize the properties of a good lie.

Some lies are told just to be silly with no pretense of actually trying to fool anyone.

For instance:

It's a little known fact that one time I left half my turkey sandwich out on the counter and three days later it attained sentience.

Two years after that, it ran for President. It won.

That sandwich, ladies and gentlemen.....was Ronald Reagan.

OK. That was a blatant lie.

Nobody would ever believe such a crock. Well, somebody might...but I'm pretty sure that guy is busy trying to figure out how to get some of that Nigerian wealth he keeps getting emails about.

See, to make a lie work it has to have some semblance of realism. Or be outrageously stupid, but couched in a way that nobody would want to risk calling your bluff.

For instance, when I was in high school, I took a test for a science class. As a bonus question, we had to name two ways that man can artificially create rain. So I knew about cloud seeding but I couldn't think of another one. So I wrote Indian Rain Dance.

Two days later, when the test were handed out, we went over our answers. Obviously, I didn't get credit for the rain dance thing. So...I raised my hand and said the following:

"I had Indian Rain Dance but you didn't give me credit"

The class giggled and the teacher rolled his eyes. He remarked that of course he didn't give me credit because that was a silly answer.

"Au contraire," I said, attempting to sound intelligent, "in 1968 Utah had a drought that lasted three weeks. The government called in a Navajo tribe to perform a rain dance. Two days later it rained for a week."

There was silence in the class. I could see that the teacher was pretty sure I was full of it...but he didn't want to risk being wrong and looking like an ass.

So...he gave me two points for my answer. My friend leaned toward me and whispered "Really?". "Heck no!", I answered, "I made that up on the fly".

Lesson learned? Never be afraid to bluff authority figures. They never want to risk looking stupid in the off-chance you aren't lying.

Other lies are known to be lies by all parties involved but it is best not to rock the boat.

Like the first time you have sex with your new girlfriend and she tell you that was the best sex she had ever had. Total and complete BS. You know it. She knows it. But you still want to believe it...so you just roll with it and never question it.

Or when she steps on the scale and realizes she has gained fifteen pounds and asks if she looks heavier...and you say "No honey". There are very few lies bigger than that one. You both know it's a crock, but she wants to feel thin and you want to make sure you still get some sex. So you lie, she smiles, and life goes on.

A really good lie is the kind crafted to divert attention. Never overestimate the tried and true: Hey look! It's Jesus!

That one always works.

Lies I Have Told

Croutons
I once convinced a vegetarian that croutons were made out of dolphins. She almost threw up the half-eaten salad she was consuming when I threw out this piece of nonsense. Sorry, ex-vegetarian friend.

Gunshot Wound
Once, while drunk, five of us were filled with intoxicated testosterone and began discussing various wounds received during the manly art of combat. One guy showed some scars from where he was stabbed. Attempting to one up him, I claimed to have been shot in the stomach. When pressed for more details, I lifted my shirt and feigned shock that the scar had apparently gone away. Two people continued to believe me. I blame the booze.

Vegetarian Fish
My sister flopped down on the couch next to me as I was eating dinner one night. She reached over to snatch some of my food. In a feeble attempt to stop her, I told her she wouldn't like it because it was vegetarian. I was eating fish. She believed me. Vegetarian fish. I don't really feel too badly about that one, because she shouldn't have believed something so stupid.

Android
When I was in Kindergarten, I convinced one of my classmates that I was an alien robot sent to Earth to monitor him. He cried a great deal. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of choosing to tell this lie on parent's day. With his mother a mere four feet away, it didn't take long for me to be shown to the hallway and reprimanded sternly. That kid never talked to me again.

Telemarketer
I really hate telephone salesmen. Usually, I look at the caller ID before answering the phone, but in this instance I forgot to check. It was a salesman. A particularly pushy salesman. I suddenly blurted out that I was beginning to bleed from my rectum and probably needed to seek medical care immediately. I hope he didn't have weird nightmares after that. Sorry, phone guy.

Rodeo Clown
During one Christmas season, I bumped into someone I went to high school with. She told me how she went to law school and was now a big lawyer in D.C. At this point, she asked me what I had done since school. I didn't think "jack shit" would be a very good answer. For some reason, I blurted out "rodeo clown". Once it was out there, I knew I was screwed so I had to just go with it. I elaborated on how my life had been in shambles before I began rodeo clowning and how the zen-like calm found within the confines of the barrel has brought me a level of peace I had never know before. You could see the look of pity in her eyes. If I ever see her again, I'm going to tell her I gave it all up to become a private investigator.

Joe Nameth
I convinced some of my friends I knew Joe Nameth. When pressed, I was forced to fake illness so Joe would come meet me. My father gave me a stern lecture about honesty and responsibility. Wait. That wasn't me....that was Bobby Brady. Nevermind.

See. I even tried to tell a lie for that last one.

John...you tell great jokes...

:lol:

I Never lie :shock: :roll: :twisted:

i'd put money on it that you just did... :lol:

I don't lie because 1.) I have no reason to, 2.) I have a bad memory so I would always get caught, 3.) I have a screaming conscience and would feel bad.

Re: Lying...
 

Gotcha..... I know I gotcha... Deny it all you want......

Re: Lying...
 

Nope, I wouldn't lie. I would never tell a man he was the best I've ever had UNLESS he WAS the best I'd ever had ;)

Lol Whooo meeeee?

Its sometimes a trigger response with me, but I never lie if I dont ultimately have to ;)

Re: Lying...
 

she told me I was the best!

Re: Lying...
 

You wish!!

Re: Lying...
 

Nope..one day on the phone..you said "your the best"

I didn't say in what context! 8)

Re: Lying...
 

What in the world could you have done to make me say something like that??? We only talked twice on the phone. The first time you and Pat were just starting the Barney adventure and I said you are crazy, the second I called you so you could talk with Jeff. No "your the best" comes to mind. Maybe you are thinking of Singscountry- I know she thinks you're all right.

Re: Lying...
 

I'm betting this would fall into the category of "If you tell a lie enough times, you begin to believe it yourself"... ;)

Re: Lying...
 

yep...Lying in action...

Re: Lying...
 

MOS- you've known me longer and I might have told you that you were the best but I haven't told Boosty that. What has he ever done for me to warrant such a response??? Give me a hard time? Hmm, nope that wouldn't do it for me. :roll:

Re: Lying...
 

You didn't get it I guess - He's convinced himself that you said that...

MOS..... why?

Because he was one of many others who rallied around me during a very difficult time and I really appreciate all that he and the others have done for me!! They are the best and they know who they are ;)

Yeah!! So there...... :P

NICE one John.... Tracy... if bullshit could fly ~~~~0~~~~ you'd be a 767 :lol:

Huh?? What?? I was insulting Boosty, people!! He's been lying to himself so long even he believes it.

And the "So there" was for the BlackBird - Because Tracy just proved that I'm special...

Nobody unnerstans me.... :cry:

I have no question that you're "special". It's just a matter of HOW "special".... Special Olympics special maybe?

Not even. The Special Olympic athletes would kick my butt in any sport. I have the athletic ability of, hmmmmm, gravel.... :lol:

She did so!

*Hi my name is Bill Boost and i am a compulsive liar*

Now you got the whole family after ya, Bill!!

Run, Boosty, run!!!!

I'd shy toward the impulsive over compulsive. Just my 2 cents.

I ain't worried...they drive them slow cars... 8)

Boosty please, i still drive a bonneville ;)

Yeah..Series 1... I know...I covered that too. ;)

Ill show u slow. I shall start calling u bill boostless :twisted:

Do as you wish grasshopper...

As John just found out.. be wary .... I've usually got something up my short sleeve..lol

Ok, back to the subject of lying.

A management class...instructor asked who never lied. Only one guy raised his hand. The instructor (let's call him Ron) was pleased that all the others were truthful and took the one guy (let's call him Jeff) to task.

When asked how he could socially survive without the necessary social "white lies", Jeff responded that he was a Jehovah's Witness and would never lie no matter the consequences.

Well...Ron asked Jeff what he would say if the following situation presented itself.
"An employee, considered to be overly senstitive, opens his wallet one day to show you a picture of what has to be the ugliest baby you've ever seen. He tells you it's his new daughter and ask if she isn't the most beautiful girl you've ever seen." What do you say?

Jeff claims that he would have told the truth that the baby was the ugliest baby he ever saw....

Now we all know that either Jeff was lying then to try and save face or he is truly the meanest, least sociably adjusted person we've heard of (and probably get's beat up a lot).

Lying is a learned social and survival skill folks...... :D

Oh yeah, and great post John. Ya makes me laugh, ya does....

Ive got something better............ the power of SSE14U24ME hahahahahahahahahahahhaha!!!!! LOL

I'm not worried about here...it's Louie the mutt that I'd be concerned about...

Silly little man :roll:

Want some chocolate or flowers......lol

See...it's the dog ya gotta worrry about. :P

Flowers would be nice :lol: Chocolate was needed last week. As for Louie- he is as sweet as he can be...

Look at this picture of innocence:

Attachment 62805

You probably took the picture and he's got an untrusting look of "I'm gonna bite that darn camera"