New Rules for 2006
01-28-2006, 12:17 AM
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New Rules for 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There'* a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that'* served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy'* chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here'* how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There'* no such thing as flavored water. There'* a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That'* your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oooh, you are a huge *******.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it, doesn't make you spiritual. It'* right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It'* one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What'* next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It'* called "The O'Reilly FACTOR."
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what'* playing on the other screens. Let'* remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it'* for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it'* the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he'* supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He'* two," will do just fine. He'* not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that'* served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy'* chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here'* how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There'* no such thing as flavored water. There'* a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That'* your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oooh, you are a huge *******.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it, doesn't make you spiritual. It'* right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It'* one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What'* next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It'* called "The O'Reilly FACTOR."
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what'* playing on the other screens. Let'* remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it'* for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it'* the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he'* supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He'* two," will do just fine. He'* not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
01-28-2006, 09:48 AM
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New Rule - Wait at least 3 weeks before stealing my stolen material...
http://www.bonnevilleclub.com/forum/...ic.php?t=46524
http://www.bonnevilleclub.com/forum/...ic.php?t=46524
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