Murphy's Laws of IM
03-27-2006, 12:17 PM
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Murphy'* Laws of IM
1. You will always lose the most important IMs when you are accidentally kicked offline.
Corollary - The more IMs you receive while away from your computer, the greater your chances of getting signed off.
It will happen. You will return to your computer and stare at the screen in stunned silence, mouth agape, and realize that somehow you got signed off while you were away, having thus lost potentially dozens and dozens of IMs sent to you. These messages could’ve contained any amount of information, including, but not limited to: confessions from one of your crushes, crucial party heads-ups, and drunk IMs from your best friends. If you got signed off accidentally while you were away, rest assured you missed a lot of important ****.
2. The longer you spend creating away messages, the worse they will get.
You will go through multiple drafts of away messages at least once a day, trying to find the perfect balance of wit and coolness. In the end you will realize it'* only the most spontaneous ones that work. So, after a few minutes grasping for a keystroke of genius, you achieve neither wit nor cool, instead walking away demoralized like the uncreative jackass you are as you sadly click, “Default Away Message.”
3. The perfect profile will always exceed AIM'* character limit.
You will spend many minutes creating the perfect profile, only to be greeted with:
“The Personal Profile you have entered is too long. The limit is 1024 characters.”
WHAT??! THIS AMAZING MESSAGING CONVENIENCE HAS BEEN CREATED FOR US AND WE CAN’T EVEN WRITE MORE THAN FIVE LINES WORTH OF OVERSIZED NEON GREEN BOLDFACE TYPE IN OUR PROFILES?
4. An "Accept Message" window will instill unnatural excitement in the receiving party.
Corollary - An "Accept Message" window will never live up to your expectations.
No matter how cool you think you are, you will always become way too excited when the “Accept Message from User X” window pops up. Then you will become way too angry upon clicking “Yes” to said "Accept Message," realizing it is not a long-lost friend who magically found your screenname, but an internet ***** inviting you to check out her website. (Which you do. You always do.)
5. Every away message will be checked.
Corollary 1 - Every away message will be re-checked.
Corollary 2 - Every profile will be read.
It is a proven fact that you will check the away message of every screenname on your buddy list as often as possible. Manic away message checking breakouts are most prevalent during the exact moment you sit down to start your homework. Then you will begin to judge a person based on their away messages, i.e. “Wow, Jenny’* a **** for that away message,” or, “What an uncreative douchebag Barry is.”
6. AIM Direct Connection is merely a test mechanism to ensure that your firewall still works.
You will be furious, sad, and confused all at once when you receive this message:
"Connection problem with X; the file will not be sent. (Your 'Internet Connection Firewall' may be on. If you and your buddy are each behind a different firewall, then the connection will not work.)"
When you receive this message—because hey, you really want that Dispatch bootleg acoustic live unmastered mp3—you’ll no doubt tell your buddy to “try again in a few seconds.” Then you’ll proceed to check and uncheck any box you can find within the AIM “Edit Preferences...” section. And it never works. "I don't know why this isn't working!!" you'll pointlessly type. The moral of this is simple: firewalls were created to confuse and stifle the youth of America.
7. A buddy is forever.
You will go through your entire buddy list every few months or so and conjure up crazy reasons to keep certain people on your list that you haven’t communicated with in years. You fight the urge to alphabetize.
8. The creation of any word or acronym on AIM immediately renders said word or acronym taboo for use in real life.
Oh yes, you will secretly wish AIM lingo would catch on in real life. You occasionally even throw an “LOL” into real-world conversations, and act like you were just kidding around when it doesn’t fly. But inside, you know you have crossed a strict cyber boundary. When will the real world come around?
9. Extended idle states result in extended idle stares.
You will notice when certain people have been idle for an unbelievable amount of time. When John hasn’t been at his computer for four straight days (when previously he was at his computer every day for the last ten years), you don’t gasp and wonder if John is in some sort of terrible trouble, you just pull your roommate into the room and stare in awe at the rare “multi-day idle” upon you.
Corollary - The more IMs you receive while away from your computer, the greater your chances of getting signed off.
It will happen. You will return to your computer and stare at the screen in stunned silence, mouth agape, and realize that somehow you got signed off while you were away, having thus lost potentially dozens and dozens of IMs sent to you. These messages could’ve contained any amount of information, including, but not limited to: confessions from one of your crushes, crucial party heads-ups, and drunk IMs from your best friends. If you got signed off accidentally while you were away, rest assured you missed a lot of important ****.
2. The longer you spend creating away messages, the worse they will get.
You will go through multiple drafts of away messages at least once a day, trying to find the perfect balance of wit and coolness. In the end you will realize it'* only the most spontaneous ones that work. So, after a few minutes grasping for a keystroke of genius, you achieve neither wit nor cool, instead walking away demoralized like the uncreative jackass you are as you sadly click, “Default Away Message.”
3. The perfect profile will always exceed AIM'* character limit.
You will spend many minutes creating the perfect profile, only to be greeted with:
“The Personal Profile you have entered is too long. The limit is 1024 characters.”
WHAT??! THIS AMAZING MESSAGING CONVENIENCE HAS BEEN CREATED FOR US AND WE CAN’T EVEN WRITE MORE THAN FIVE LINES WORTH OF OVERSIZED NEON GREEN BOLDFACE TYPE IN OUR PROFILES?
4. An "Accept Message" window will instill unnatural excitement in the receiving party.
Corollary - An "Accept Message" window will never live up to your expectations.
No matter how cool you think you are, you will always become way too excited when the “Accept Message from User X” window pops up. Then you will become way too angry upon clicking “Yes” to said "Accept Message," realizing it is not a long-lost friend who magically found your screenname, but an internet ***** inviting you to check out her website. (Which you do. You always do.)
5. Every away message will be checked.
Corollary 1 - Every away message will be re-checked.
Corollary 2 - Every profile will be read.
It is a proven fact that you will check the away message of every screenname on your buddy list as often as possible. Manic away message checking breakouts are most prevalent during the exact moment you sit down to start your homework. Then you will begin to judge a person based on their away messages, i.e. “Wow, Jenny’* a **** for that away message,” or, “What an uncreative douchebag Barry is.”
6. AIM Direct Connection is merely a test mechanism to ensure that your firewall still works.
You will be furious, sad, and confused all at once when you receive this message:
"Connection problem with X; the file will not be sent. (Your 'Internet Connection Firewall' may be on. If you and your buddy are each behind a different firewall, then the connection will not work.)"
When you receive this message—because hey, you really want that Dispatch bootleg acoustic live unmastered mp3—you’ll no doubt tell your buddy to “try again in a few seconds.” Then you’ll proceed to check and uncheck any box you can find within the AIM “Edit Preferences...” section. And it never works. "I don't know why this isn't working!!" you'll pointlessly type. The moral of this is simple: firewalls were created to confuse and stifle the youth of America.
7. A buddy is forever.
You will go through your entire buddy list every few months or so and conjure up crazy reasons to keep certain people on your list that you haven’t communicated with in years. You fight the urge to alphabetize.
8. The creation of any word or acronym on AIM immediately renders said word or acronym taboo for use in real life.
Oh yes, you will secretly wish AIM lingo would catch on in real life. You occasionally even throw an “LOL” into real-world conversations, and act like you were just kidding around when it doesn’t fly. But inside, you know you have crossed a strict cyber boundary. When will the real world come around?
9. Extended idle states result in extended idle stares.
You will notice when certain people have been idle for an unbelievable amount of time. When John hasn’t been at his computer for four straight days (when previously he was at his computer every day for the last ten years), you don’t gasp and wonder if John is in some sort of terrible trouble, you just pull your roommate into the room and stare in awe at the rare “multi-day idle” upon you.
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