You are woken by glass shattering. Then silence, finally broken by a groan from the bottom of the stairs. “Brrrraaaains” you hear. Shuffling. Someone is trying to climb the stairs. Someone uncoordinated.

Outside, sirens start blaring across the city. Screams come from neighbouring houses, and all the while those footsteps move slowly upwards to your bedroom door.

You're smart. You know this is the start of the zombie apocalypse. Leaping from the window and landing on the front lawn with a John Candy-like grace, you peek from the bushes at your once happy suburban street, aware that you must make quick, decisive decisions if you want to live.

Amidst the shambling corpses and rivers of blood there are still uncorrupted people, possible allies. Police officers are at the end of the road. Should you head for them? Basketball players are still shooting hoops on the court. Should you join forces? The biker gang? The nightclub bouncer?

All these choices. All these people. Can I trust them? Will they aid or endanger me? Decide quickly, death approaches!

Luckily for you, this handy list has been published, so your dirthering body won't be torn into fleshy threads by ravenous zombies, leaving your blood and bone (that very core of your indecisiveness) to fertilise the hedge.

Study this list. Know it. Paste it to the walls of your subconcious. When the time comes, by using the knowledge, you will know who to trust, who to explot, and who to shack up with. Good luck.


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Average Joes

Pros
Being thrust into an extraordinary situation may unleash powers they didn't know they had

Pleasant, if uninpspiring, dinner conversation

Cons
They're still obsessing about some dumpy girl they went out with in high school

They probably abhor violence because they're no good at it

Should you trust them?
Their wallets are a source of petty cash, so mug them


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Basketball Players

Pros
Athletic. Strong. Co-ordinated

Should be quite accurate at grenade lobbing

Cons
Awkward white centres may look and move the same when they become zombified

The old tramping adage of moving at the speed of the slowest member won't hold. And you'll be the slowest

Should you trust them?
Yes, if they have a good point guard


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Bikers

Pros

They have their own transport and are good fighters

With few family ties, a treachorus side quest to save their granddad is not likely

Cons

They do not want you in their gang

Could just be middle-aged squares who can afford Harleys (see “Businessmen)

Should you trust them?
If they're bikers who want you to tag along, you don't want to do it


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Businessmen

Pros
Highly educated and ambitious. Good problem solvers

Have money and connections

They have a lot to live for

Cons
The fact that they have a lot to live for means they'll sell you out in a heartbeat

Everyone at work kisses their *** which has blinded them to their own inate level of idiocy.

The ironic nature of zombie apocalypses makes them a magnet for the undead

Should you trust them?
They're lunch. Don't be the salad.


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Emos

Pros
They will do the sensible thing and hide

When they get bored they'll offer to have sex with you

Cons
The zombie apocalypse just distracted them from their latest attempt to fail at committing suicide

You might have to listen to their music

Should you trust them?
Don't let yourself get emotionally blackmailed and you can have an amusing half hour


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Escaped Convicts

Pros
Bad assess

They're used to living by the laws of the jungle

Cons
Not likely to be in a mood to help you

They're running away from one of the safest places left

Should you trust them?
Hide in the bushes when you see them


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Fashion Models

Pros
They're used to casual nudity

Lack of meat and brains mean they can go anywhere in complete safety

Cons
They may spend more time giving you fashion tips and exercise advice than helping your deliciously fleshy body escape to safety

They'll try to seem smart by telling you that we have zombies because of how we've ignored people in the third world

Should you trust them?
That would be about a thousand times less fun than you'd imagine


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Frat Boys

Pros
Daring. Violent. Predatory.

Likely to have a good supply of GHB they can use incapacitate the zombies

Cons
Sadly, none are actually as cool as Belushi

If you get to safety with them, expect at least six sets of ********* flopped on your forehead every hour for laughs

Their misplaced feeling of invincibility will eventually get you killed

You will go mad from listening to them quote Borat

Should you trust them?
They can get you out of a jam, but these are not guys you stay with forever


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Geeks

Pros
An upbeat attitude: they've been dreaming of the zombie apocalypse ever since seeing Dawn of the Dead

Likely to know the “rules” governing the situation

Cons
Despite never going to a gym or taking a martial arts class, they believe that they're zombie slayers who will be able to swing an axe for six hours straight without getting sore shoulders or having a heart attack.

Should you trust them?
If you see someone strutting around in a Lucio Fulci t-shirt, walk the other way


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Gourmands

Pros
They met the Governor at a cocktail party last month

Claim to have eaten a dish of Zombie in a Port-au-Prince restaurant and are sure they know which parts you can eat without getting infected

Cons
They can talk about food but they can't cook it

That Port-au-Prince restaurant just served them overpriced spiced chicken

None of the names they drop are of people who like them

Should you trust them?
Dead men can't cancel their credit cards


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Hookers

Pros
They certainly are

Won't take too much sweet talking to convince them to help get the human race restarted

Street smarts

Cons
Being smart on the street doesn't mean you're not an idiot everywhere else

Their pimp will probably beat you to death for fun when he realises that society has collapsed, if not before

Should you trust them?
I know it'* tempting to form a zombie-killing hooker army. Don't do it.


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Housewives

Pros
They know how to make good meals out of scant supplies

Have a big house and possibly a waterbed and a husband who got eaten by zombies while at work

Cons
They may try to raise you as one of their own instead of taking you as a lover

Likely to have other kids who you might have to help raise

Should you trust them?
Good for a couple of meals


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Junkies

Pros
Can use them as tasty diversions when you need to escape

All the chemicals in their flesh may kill any zombie that bites them, or at least mellow them out a bit

Cons
They'll probably steal all your cash

You won't be able to tell if they're in really bad health or turning into a zombie

Should you trust them?
If they do a something for you that takes five minutes, they'll be living in your garage for the next five years


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Medieval Recreationists

Pros
If they wear armour they won't become a zombies

Have horses you can steal

Cons
You will likely need to help them up every time they fall over

Probably quite smelly

Should you trust them?
Steal their horses


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Nerds

Pros
Could potentially find a cure for zombification

Could potentially whip up some explosives

Cons
Alas, today'* nerd can't do anything but computer programming, which will be a fantastically useless skill

Unfit. Wheezy. Irritating. Physically inept

Should you trust them?
One of the great certanties of life is that they will do something that gets you killed


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The Police

Pros
They are likely to actually help you

Access to guns, radios, tasers, pepper spray, body armour, etc.

Cons
Expect to be left alone in the back of a police car in a zombie infested neighborhood while they run into some old mansion to save a cat.

Have a tendency to be pushy jerks.

Should you trust them?
Like drinking from a shark-infested oasis


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Priests

Pros
A soothing voice in a time of trouble

Zombies may be physically unable to enter sanctified church grounds

They can take confession for all the disgusting things you had to do to make it to the church alive

Cons
If they're kiddy fiddlers you may get caught up in some sort of ironic punishment

If you are kid you may get fiddled

They won't be of any help if the zombies were caused by a disease and not from hell being too full

Should you trust them?
Roll the dice if you want. I wouldn't


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Real Estate Agents

Pros
They've found out who'* been eaten by zombies so they'd know which houses will be coming on the market

Have a level of ruthlessness that will be needed to survive

Cons
That ruthlessness will be turned against you sooner or later

They'll be overly obsessed about the population crash depressing house prices

Should you trust them?
Ask if they have a courtesy moving van


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Rich Teenage Girls

Pros
They have money and cars and perhaps even private security

They might do something really idiotic that gets them eaten, which means you will have money and cars and private security

Cons
They're unikely to hang out with you

No matter what you say, it will never seem to register

Anything illegal or immoral that you do will appear on their MySpace blog

Should you trust them?
Not worth the effort


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When the dust settles meet me at the first post-Zombie Apocalpse UN summit and say hello. "Hi" will suffice as I will be quite busy, I imagine, splitting up the world with the other readers of The Lounge.

Actually, I'll tell you what. Say to me this secret phrase "*****************" (just so that I know it is you) and you may have Galapagos and live there forever in purity.

did you type that yourself? Good read, that killed some time for me. what bok was that from?

It didn't list rednecks with guns . That'* me, when the zombie apocalypse occurs, you're all welcome to my Georgia BC meet .

Yeah, until you get hungry...

You forgot the Monster Truck gang. Big Foot will crush those zombies

A good magician, or in this case, class clown, never reveals his secrets...