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Old 11-26-2005, 01:15 AM   #1
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Default top 30 chuck norris facts pg-13

i was crying after reading this and i had to share:

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother'* womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK'* head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris'* girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend'* bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris'* wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he'* Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That'* impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien'* lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan'* wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That'* why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

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Old 11-26-2005, 02:56 PM   #2
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Here'* some more about Mr T:

World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi.

Mr. T'* edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show'* history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

There is a 11th commandment, edited out of the Bible, that says "None of the above applies to Mr. T."

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That'* why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Most people believe the chemical formula for what sustains life is H2O, when in fact it is MrT + 2JPf. The ionic bond between JibbaJabba and PityingFools is so great that if one attempts to split that molecule, Chuck Norris jumps from a flaming truck and roundhouse kicks that person in the teeth.

Mr. T invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

The reason there are no known photographs in existence of a young Mr. T is that he is over 835 years old, and therefore pre-dates cameras. His age is attributed to Death being too scared of Mr. T to come for him. He tried once, but was pitied like a fool, so went looking instead for the next 'T' in his book, Thomas Beckett.

Mr. T once had so many fools to pitty that he didn't know what to do with them all. So he created Chuck Norris, from one of his ribs and a pound of gold, to roundhouse kick the surplus of fools in the face.

Mr. T got all of his golden jewelry from defeating Misters A through * in hand-to-hand combat and collecting it off of their dead remains. Kinda like that movie "The One", only except there'* a lot less jibba jabba and fewer fools.

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do ****, because Mr. T is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.

The gold in Mr. T'* chains is actually 48 carat gold. It is the purest element in the universe and was made by King Midas. Only Mr. T can touch 48 carat gold without being vaporzied instantly.

Mr. T knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.

Mr T. is in fact 120 feet tall, breathes fire, and pisses liquid gold. but since no human on earth can comprehend his awsomeness, he formed a man out of gold, rock, and c-4 explosives to pity us all.

Small animals find Mr. T irresistable and can be found playing in his mohawk. Mr. T tolerates them because "they don't give me no lip."

Mr. T'* infamous catch phrase was misunderstood to be "I Pity The Fool" when it was actually "I Pee In Your Food". Mr. T then proceded to eat a bag of kittens.

As a kid, Mr. T loved to play the game of Hot Potato. Of course, he didn't play with a regular potato. Rather, Mr. T preferred playing with a live hand grenade. Mr. T pities the fool who'* no good at hot potato.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it'* because Mr T loves you.

Mr. T was the only kid at his high school. His high school was undefeated in all sports for the one year it took him to graduate. This is not surprising considering he invented every sport.

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That'* 100 fools pitied a second.

There is a commonly told story talking about how Mr T. entered into a Mr. T look-alike contest and came in 3rd. This is obviously not true, because nobody would be alive to tell the tale after the amount of pitying that would have taken place.

Mr.T actually came up with the theory of relavity, Einstein merely stole it from him. Although originaly this was called Mr.T'* theory of relative pity, Einstein in fact mistranslated it into 'jibba jabba'.

A random onlooker once taunted Mr. T. Mr. T responded by hitting the man so hard that both his parents died.

Mr. T once pitied a fool so hard that he burst into flames.

When asked what a pitying feels like, Mr. T responded "Rip off your own genitalia".

Mr. T'* umbilical cord was actually a large gold chain... the medallion didn't grow in until he was 6 months old.

Mr. T'* autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity," was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction--as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.
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Old 11-27-2005, 12:29 AM   #3
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lmao, thats good stuff man!

apparently repin and i are the only ones with horribly twisted senses of humor.
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Old 11-27-2005, 03:27 AM   #4
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no way i love that **** man... i saw it on regalgs a while ago...

i had the "chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad did" as my msn name for a while haha
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Old 11-27-2005, 12:19 PM   #5
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I pity the fool who don't think that'* funny as hell.
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Old 11-28-2005, 04:14 AM   #6
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Old 12-04-2005, 05:12 AM   #7
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Now it'* time for Vin Diesel:

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"* in Vin Diesel. F*** you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That'* Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Crop circles are Vin'* way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose'* ****.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where'* Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel'* diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vin Diesel.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy'*. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy'* are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi'* Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children'* hospital.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
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