The Toddler Miracle Diet
Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it'* all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?
Now there'* the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most 2 year-olds are trim. It came to me one day - over a glass of water and a carrot - that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, x-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, with great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor - otherwise you may have to visit him afterwards. Good luck!
Breakfast One scrambled egg, and one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers, then dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch Four crayons, a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest)
Dinner A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, and four sips of flat Pepsi
Snack Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor
Breakfast Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract, or one vial of vegetable dye
Lunch Half tube of 'pulsating pink' lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Bring it inside and drop it on the rug.
Dinner A rock or uncooked bean, thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape KOOL-Aid over mashed potatoes, and eat with a spoon.
Breakfast Two pancakes with plenty of syrup. Eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk, drink half and stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday'* sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit onto floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch
Breakfast 1/4 tube of toothpaste, bit of soap, olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, and add a half cup of sugar. When cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to the dog.
Lunch Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find the sucker and finish it.
Dinner Glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball. Stick of mascara for dessert.
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