How do you save a

drowning lawyer?



Take your foot off his head



What’* black and brown and looks good on

a lawyer? A Doberman. What do you get

when you cross a lawyer and a demon from

hell? No changes occur. What’* the difference

between a lawyer and an accountant?

Accountants know they are boring. A client

calls the law firm and asks to speak to his

lawyer, Mr. Smith. The receptionist tells him

the sad news. “Mr. Smith died this weekend.

I am so sorry.” The client says, “Let me speak

to Mr. Smith.” The receptionist repeats the

news. “Sir, Mr. Smith died this weekend.” The

client repeats his request. “Let me speak to

Mr. Smith.” The receptionist is exasperated.

“Sir, don’t you understand? Mr. Smith died.”

The client paused. “Oh, I understand alright.

I just like hearing it.” Why did the lawyer

cross the road? To sue the chicken on the

other side. What’* the difference between a

lawyer and a pit bull? Jewelry. “All lawyers

are idiots.” declared a man in a bar. “I resent

that.” someone answered. “Why, are you a

lawyer?” the man asked. “No,” he replied,

“I’m an idiot.” What’* the difference between

a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in

the road? There are skid marks in front of

the dog. Why does California have the most

lawyers and New Jersey have the most toxic

waste sites? New Jersey got to pick first.





Attorney Do you recall approximately the time that you examined

that body at the hospital?

Witness It was in the evening. The autopsy started at about 5:30 p.m.

Attorney And the person was dead at the time. Is that correct?

Witness No, you idiot! He was sitting on the table wondering why

I was performing an autopsy on him!

Defendant Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

The Court And why is that?

Defendant Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.

The Court (to the PD) Do you have any comments on the defendant’* motion?

PD I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.

Attorney This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness Yes.

Attorney And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness I forget things.

Attorney You forget things? Can you give me an example of something you’ve forgotten?

Attorney Are you married?

Witness No. I’m divorced.

Attorney And what did your husband do before you divorced him.

Witness A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Attorney And what happened then?

Witness He told me – he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”

Attorney Did he kill you?

Attorney Remember, all your responses must be oral. OK? Now, what school do you go to?

Witness Oral.

Attorney How old are you?

Witness Oral.

Attorney I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?

Witness That’* me.

Attorney Were you present when that picture was taken?

Prosecutor Did you kill the victim?

Defendant No I did not.

Prosecutor Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant Yes I do. And they are a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.