Well, I know all of us have something going on in our lives and most probably feel alone like I do at times, so I am posting here to get other parents and non parents opinions on what to do.

I have a son who has been living with my GF and I for the past two school years. His life at his mothers house? Totally BAD. Verbal abuse, physical abuse and the living conditions were horrible!!! My ex would let my son do whatever he wanted, just to avoid being a parent and dishing out punishments and dealing with the tantrums.

She had a three strikes your out rule which to me is ridiculous!!! Besides, she NEVER enforced the punishment after the three strikes. so what does that tell my son?

Anyhow, now he'* 12 and failing horribly in school. He will just sit in class and not do a damn thing. The teachers can not make him do the work and they end up giving him a failing grade. My son thinks that because the teachers do not do anything to make him do the work, that its okay to continue the way he is.

Homework? Pfft what homework? My son has not been doing homework since the beginning of the school year. I don't know what else to do. When he wouldn't do his homework, I would take away the phone and TV. for the night and he wouldn't go out the next day. after a bit, when I would tell him no phone, TV and going out tomorrow, he would simply say "I don't care" The punishments simply did not work.

Now I basically took all freedom away from him and he can no longer go out during the week, weekends and no social activities. (Halloween, Dances Etc.)

Yesterday, October 26th I thought everything was going well. we hung out, took him to the gym in my condo, he even BROUGHT home his homework

Then the time came to get him to actually do it. So I go into his room to have him come out and do his homework and he'* ready for bed, with the lights out and TV. on. I tell him, he has homework to do and his reply was "Whose gonna make me?" I said I AM. needless to say, he didn't do it and im sitting here concerned about his future.

I've spoken to the teachers and they say the same thing, he'* not doing any work in class and no homework is being handed in.

about 3 weeks ago, the principal pulled my son into his office and set up an after school schedule mon-thur so that my son could start making up the work. Come to find out at my teachers meeting, my son hasn't been going to the after school help so he can meet up with his friends and then walk to the YMCA where he goes until I get out of work.

I don't know what else to do or take away from him. Currently he is on 6 months probation for something stupid he did at his mothers house. Go figure. :?

My son sees both a psychiatrist AND a psychologist as well as takes medication for ADHD and Depression.

I'm just at my wits end. Me and the GF have had MANY fights because of my son, and we continue to struggle EVERYDAY with him.......im just burnt the **** out!!

Im drained physically, emotionaly and mentally and dont know what else to do. When I was growing up and I acted not even this bad, I would get my A$$ wipped by my dad with a belt. I dont know why they EVER took that away from us parents!! IVe come close to it, but can never bring myself to.

You opnions are MUCH appreciated.

EDIT - I misread it.

I have custody of him. I didnt have to go through the courts either thank god because then I would have been really screwed!! I just wanted to give the background on my ex so that everyone would understand where he came from. Now im left to correct these issues and im not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel

I don't really know what to say except that I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like your son needs something. I don't know what. It will take time and consistency to show him that he has consequences to his actions. I raised my son with an iron fist and was always consistent. If you say you are going to do something do it, even if it means doing it 50 times. It is a power of wills. You don't want to break his will you just want to bend it a little.

The only advice I can give is keep up with his teachers, sit down with him nightly and help him with his homework. Is it possible he is dyslexic? Someone I know has a child that didn't want to do work at school or home because they were too embarrassed to admit that they couldn't comprehend the material.

It will take you a lot of love and patience but eventually you will find your true son and be able to diffuse some of the damage his mother has caused.

As a parent of 2 kids for 17 years I will give you my advice:

I truly believe that children are attentive even before they are born; my wife would read to both my kids even before they we're born and even today they still love to read. As an infant, there seed was already planted.. What I'm trying to say is that it is going to be VERY difficult to change you're son'* attitude now that he is set in his way'* but, I still believe it can be done.
If you're up for the challenge it'* going to be REALLY hard on everyone involved especially you.
Rules
If you make a rule, you have to always and I mean always stick to it. You mentioned "when I would tell him no phone, TV and going out tomorrow, “Then why was he watching TV “with the lights out and TV. on" You should disconnect cable or antennae. If you set out rules and break it only once, then that tells you're child that there is a 10% change he or she will get away with it. If so what do they have to loose by trying.
Eliminate the anger, you're son can feel the anger coming from you and that doesn't make for a comfortable environment Think about it, would you want to live in a place without feeling loved?
Come to an understanding with your GF on how to raise your son. If you can get support from her that it will make it that much easier, sort of a tag team effort. If your son sees that you both want to help then he may feel more of a sense of family unit.
Never overrule your better half decisions. If you set a rule, don't let your son go to you're GF and have her change it to favor him. The old ...well GF said I could.
Never ever give up . Don't let him down....ever..... and don't let him EVER feel like you're giving up.

Based on what I've read I sense a lot of anger in your son, you have to try to reduce that. Make him feel loved, and that you'll always be there for him.

This will probably be the most difficult challenge you've ever had to deal with, and believe me when I say, he will challenge you as much as possible, go gain control, but please for you're son'* sake............NEVER GIVE UP!

Good Luck.

To tell you the truth, your son sounds EXACTLY like me when I was his age. NEVER did my homework, almost NEVER did class work, and I just didn't care; I'd rather play with friends or go on the internet (knock on wood). Have you considered homeschooling? If you have the time, it'* so worth it. I'll admit, I've only had 6 months of it, but I've never learned as much as I did that semester. It turned my life around, I realized what I was missing. Now here I am, at a college with a good name, and going (maybe) to an even BETTER college (Kettering) next year for a degree in Mechanical Engineering. One thing: NEVER give up hope, if that doesn't work, turn his room into a prison and lock him in it. I'm not even joking. If drastic measures must be taken, so be it. By the end of Freshman year, all I had in my room was a bed, a desk, and a lamp. I wasn't allowed to do my work on an Internet-capable computer, and I wasn't allowed outside my room between 3-4 on a school day. This seems harsh, I know, but it works REALLY well. Just to let you know, by Sophomore year, I had the whole school thing down, my parents put my TV, PS2 etc. back in my room and gave me internet. It works.


:EDIT:
One more thing that helped me out was a nice, organized schedule. This can really help your son. Give him a cell phone, too, so you can call him to make sure he'* where he'* supposed to be. Remember, by no means are these permanent solutions, it'* only a plan to get him back on track (I feel like an infomercial, haha)

Wow! And I thought I was bad. I may be only 23 but I've kind of been in his shoes (not as bad) but Ive been there. My parents tried everything and I ended up straightening my self out. But my advice to you is maybe try counseling if you haven't already. There is that lovely school out there for teens/preteens that is called military school. It may be a harsh route to go but in the end it would help him out alot. In there he would have no choice but to abide by the rules. It would obviously be hard on you as his father to send him away, but you have to do what'* in the best interest for him. That'* what I personally would do if I were in your shoes. I understand that 12 is an awefully young age to send him away but if it can help him, now is the best time to do it. I wish you all the luck in the world. Me myself have a child and another one on the way. Granite my daughter is only 7, but if at the age of 12 I couldn't control her I would resort to some sort of military school. The way I look at the situation is this, you take things away, it doesn't work. Your basically out of options, and I can almost bet that he has thought about running away from home. That'* the last thing you want. So hopefully my advice has helped a little bit. Heck, maybe i just didn't even make any sense lol, but i tried to.

Wishing you the best of luck!!

I don't agree with that one bit, Military school is for delinquents who steal, fight, do whatever. There are MUCH better alternatives

Not really a long dissertation, here, but maybe a positive reinforcement plan may be beneficial. A "small" reward (even if it is just a "well done" or a "let'* go celebrate a week of completed assignments at his favorite restaurant" for completing and turning in homework may provide a tool to motivate and hopefully lead to a sense of longer term satisfaction in learning. The only caution would be that I would hope it would not lead to a belief or expectation by your son that something must be "given" for every accomplishment.

No, we have a school here and it'* for kids that can't be controlled. They cannot have any sort of criminal background and whatnot. The get to go home on weekends, and they can have family visitors every night from 6-8pm, but they live there, have their schooling there and whatnot. Maybe I worded it wrong, it'* not so much military school but an alternative school.