New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There'* a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that'* served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy'* chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand,
Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here'* how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There'* no such thing as flavored water. There'* a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That'* your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that'* square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target , you just solved the Social Security
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It'* right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It'* one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What'* next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It'*
called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll
go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what'* playing on the other screens. Let'* remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it'* for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it'* the rich people version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he'* supposed to be there, or just
some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He'* two," will do just fine. He'* not a cheese. And
I honestly didn't care in the first place.
1998 SE Midnight Blue Pearl
Gutted airbox, FRAM AirHog, removed MAF Screen, eBay clear corners, extended brake lights
I'm so much cooler online