A Message from England - GM Forum - Buick, Cadillac, Chev, Olds, GMC & Pontiac chat
GM Forum - Buick, Cadillac, Chev, Olds, GMC & Pontiac chat

Go Back   GM Forum - Buick, Cadillac, Chev, Olds, GMC & Pontiac chat > General Offtopic Chat > Lounge

Lounge For casual talk about things unrelated to General Motors. In other words, off-topic stuff. And anything else that does not fit Section Description.

LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-19-2008, 06:19 AM   #1
Senior Member
Posts like a Northstar
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Ladysmith B.C. Canada
Posts: 620
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
JMH1950 is on a distinguished road
Default A Message from England

A Message from England

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not much fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America.

Without the need for further elections, Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (you should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat'* Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one'* ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first, to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It'* been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'* Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen.
JMH1950 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2008, 06:38 AM   #2
Junior Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 0
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Bonneville92V688 is on a distinguished road

Does this mean we have to stop going to the dentist and stop brushing our teeth until they turn brown?

Bonneville92V688 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2008, 08:36 AM   #3
Senior Member
Posts like a Turbo
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Rockford MI
Posts: 351
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Laxmangl is on a distinguished road

lol, that is John Cleese'* letter to the US very funny
Laxmangl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2008, 09:11 AM   #4
Senior Member
Expert Gearhead
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 20,893
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Jim W is on a distinguished road

Jim W is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2008, 10:06 AM   #5
Senior Member
True Car Nut
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 3,684
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
smellbird is on a distinguished road

Except for the driving bit. Americans are horrible drivers to begin with, any change to that system will surely lead to even more anarchy on the roads.
smellbird is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2008, 01:25 PM   #6
Senior Member
True Car Nut
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Granville, Ohio ~NEBF '07 Survivor~
Posts: 5,001
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
petraman is on a distinguished road

Boy, you know, that sounds a lot better than our country right now

Maybe I should move to England...
petraman is offline   Reply With Quote

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
New England / North East Bonnefest toastedoats General GM Chat 5 07-19-2005 07:49 AM
New England Summer National Photos 300+ pics givemebreak Your Ride: GM Pictures & Videos 2 07-06-2005 09:14 AM
My poor little Bonnie - I hate New England toastedoats Your Ride: GM Pictures & Videos 22 01-26-2005 05:50 PM
New England Bonneville owners Djomla General GM Chat 7 05-07-2004 10:27 AM
New England Or Carolina AD Bear Lounge 34 02-03-2004 04:52 AM

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:43 AM.