*A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, 'Get me a beer before it starts.' The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, 'Get me another beer before it starts.' She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, 'Quick, get me another beer, it'* going to start any minute.' The wife is furious. She yells at him 'Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ...' The man sighs and says, 'It'* started ...'








A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says 'Humm, buffalo come'. The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, 'I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come'? and the Indian replies, 'ear sticky'.














Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".













"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" " Well, It'* Not Unusual."

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife'* grandpa'* cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, 'We have an opening for people like you.' 'Oh, great,' he said, 'What is it?' 'It'* called the door!'






A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'






A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. 'I'm afraid I have some very bad news,' the doctor says. 'You're dying, and you don't have much time left.' 'Oh, that'* terrible!' says the man. 'How long have I got?' 'Ten,' the doctor says sadly. 'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!' The doctor interrupts, 'Nine...'

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there'* a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, 'Waitress, there'* a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!'

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, 'That'* disgusting!'

Then the waitress says, 'You think that'* disgusting you should see him make donuts.'









Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, 'My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!' As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, 'That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?' The guy catches his breath, then says, 'Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the ******* who pushed me in the pool!'










What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.









A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, 'Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?' A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, 'It'* my dog. Why?'

'Well,' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, 'I believe my dog just killed it, sir.' 'What?' roared the big man in disbelief. 'What in the hell kind of dog do you have?' 'Sir,' answered the little man, 'it'* a little four week old female puppy.' 'Bull!' roared the biker, 'how could your puppy kill my Doberman?' 'It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.'

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. 'What'* the story this time, Jones?' he asked sarcastically. 'Let'* hear a good excuse for a change.'

Jones sighed, 'Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit'* still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson'* helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.'

'You'll have to do better than that, Jones,' said the boss, obviously disappointed. 'No woman can get ready in ten minutes.'








While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. 'What is the big brass gong and hammer for?' one of his friends asked. 'That is the talking clock,' the man replied. 'How'* it work?'

'Watch,' the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, 'Knock it off, you idiot! It'* two o'clock in the morning!'







Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'It'* the minister, Mommy,' the child said to her mother. Then she added, 'Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She'* hitting the bottle.'




A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."





Little Johnny'* kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, 'There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.' As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, 'And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.' The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, 'You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?' The boy replied, 'Minnesota, sir.' 'Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?' inquired the manager. The boy replied, 'They're all just ****** and hockey players up there.' 'My wife is from Minnesota', exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, 'Really! What team did she play for?'







A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, 'Sir, can you tell me the time?' The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, 'It is a quarter to three, young man.' 'Thanks,' said the boy. 'At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ***.' With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. 'Why are you running like this at your age?' asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, 'That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ***!' 'So what'* your hurry,' said the friend. 'You still have ten minutes.'





An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.' 'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog,' said the grocer. 'It'* very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.' But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 'Oh, he died,' the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, 'I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.' 'Well, the boy replied, 'I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.' 'Oh? What was it then?' 'I think it was the spin cycle!'

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good
that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.

I thought, well, that'* wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good
morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know,! it'* such a beautiful day outside, and it'* your birthday, let'* go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that'* the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let'* go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private club. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it'* such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let'* go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all! singing Happy Birthday as I sat there, on the couch naked waiting for my surprise.

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take off, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke.

"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American'* shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be thisway?" he asked.

How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"