Life without Tom Cruise
I’ve often wondered what life would be like without Tom Cruise. Would we still wake up the same, would man still interact with fellow man or would the Earth explode, leaving behind a black hole of vapid darkness for all eternity?
I know that sounds like a Scientology-type of question, but after seeing and hearing so much of Mr. Cruise over the years, I feel as if the latter is a more probable outcome.
Seriously, according to Hollywood scientist, critics, fans and tabloids - Tom Cruise has become as much of a life-sustaining staple as water or the sun. Since he paraded around our living rooms in his Jockey’* and shades singing to Bob Segar'* “Old Time Rock & Roll” anthem, he has become our life support. Should he die or fade away, so too would the billions of inhabitants of this planet.
This is not a joke, believe me - we do not want Tom Cruise to die.
According to Cruise fan and United Airlines stewardess Jessica Harmon, “Tom is like, so hot! I just love that he finally settled down with someone he’* truly in love with. I’m all excited just talking about him.”
See folks, this is the type of hold this man, this icon, has on our society. Should he accidentally vaporize from existence then you can guarantee a worst-case scenario. In fact, I’ve put together a timeline of events that would most-likely occur should Tom Cruise seize to exist:
DAY I- US Weekly announces the death of Tom Cruise
DAY II- Mass hysteria, denial and suicides within the first five minutes
-Riots breakout in every major city across the globe
-A giant tremor knocks us all to the ground, followed by massive earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes, tsunamis and forest fires that last for two days
DAY III- Locust swarm Hollywood and New York as the sky rains frogs and blood
DAY IV- Fans swarm to higher ground in hopes of being chosen as Tom’* disciples
DAY V- Katie Holmes and Suri are shot into space in a time-capsule filled with harvest seeds, water, a Versace bag, and an Oscar borrowed from Kevin Spacey
DAY VI- The Earth begins to violently spin faster on its axis as the four horsemen of the Apocalypse begin to ride across the smoke filled skies
DAY VII- The Earth explodes in a flash that can be seen several galaxies away
-An enormous sucking sound is heard as a giant black hole forms to the theme of Top Gun
-Katie’* pod drifts into the empty unknown until another life form is forced to endure the Cruise lineage on a planet that’* hopefully void of all televised capability
Now, I cannot be certain as to the sequencing of events but if my calculations are correct, it would only take about seven days before the death of Tom Cruise wipes out our planet.
That being said, I think it’* imperative that we keep Mr. Cruise in an isolated, underground-chamber miles beneath the Earth’* crust in order to preserve life as we know it. This means Mr. Cruise will no longer be able to perform in movies or be seen on television; however, once a year he will be able to flash that trademark smile and give us all a thumbs-up via satellite on Larry King to make sure he’* okay.
I’m hoping that the readers of this thread will support my theory and the actions that need to take place, such as locking Tom Cruise in a deep, deep hole in the ground.
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