You go ahead. It'll be a long time before you reach my level, and I been kinda busy lately. These people need something to make them realize there'* a world out there beyond their cars...

hey where is that place agian?? tampa is not that far of a drive... well it is but it would be worth it...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blond walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It'* a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony'* facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
You must be new," says the hairy man, "it'* a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me. "The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here'* my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 62 years old, I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.

The New Supermarket
-------------------------

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

The ***** wants a raise

I, the *****, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear *****,

After assessing your request and considering the
arguments you have raised, the management denies your
request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
4. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
5. You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You are unable to work double shifts.
8. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
9. You will retire long before age 65.
10. And if that were not enough, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely, The Management

A stranger was seated next to a young girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let'* talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The young girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

mmblf - Excellent! What a great diversion. Thanks.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit.

Than I caught her spending $65 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that'* what the beer was for.

I don't think she'* coming back...

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD




Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer'* field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Above a urinal:
PLEASE DON'T THROW CIGARETTE BUTTS IN THE URINAL.
THEY BECOME SOGGY AND ARE HARD TO RELIGHT.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:




"You got Male!'"